Final Chapter of Part One

“Parent” Sister’s Intuition

The streets of Twin Falls, Idaho were no longer blanketed in delicate white crystals, but drenched in muddy water and browning snow.  Green grass and flower buds started their game of peek-a-boo as spring finally began to steal the spotlight from winter.  To the old couple next door, this meant it was time to start gardening and buying candles that smelt of lilacs and daisy fields.  The warm changing weather meant fishing and camping to our next door neighbors (a couple with four boys).  However to me, spring meant spring break; a two week break from school and from my family life at home. Yes, this spring break I was promised, by my uncle, that I would spend it with him and go to the fair in Hagerman.  I was so elated! What better way to rejuvenate, then to spend the break with my uncle, aunt and baby cousin (plus a bonus of cotton candy and carnival rides)? 

As time for my vacation grew nearer it seemed the days dragged on longer.   The world around me was moving in slow motion and I hated it.  I almost wanted to leave early, (three weeks early to be exact) but my uncle assured me it’d be best if I stayed in school for those three weeks.  So I did. During the course of the three weeks our school started a fundraiser. I think you know what I’m talking about. The fundraisers where your child brings home four or five catalogs; one for chocolates and candy, one for jeweler, one for knick-knacks, and one for candles?  I was always clear to my family that we DO NOT EVER PARTICIPATE IN THESE FUNDRAISERS! The reason being, the money could and would be stolen by either my mother or her druggy friends.  Well, my little sister decided to try and do the fundraiser that year. She asked Lena and she told Bonnie that it would be perfectly okay. Bonnie took the catalog around to several people, but no one would buy from such a little girl. 

Two little girls go to the same house at different times to sell products for their fundraiser. The first little girl is from a broken home, with clothes that don’t fit a boney body, and ratted hair.  Buyers coil and wince mentally sometimes physically at the thought of doing business with someone, who obviously would steal their money. The second little girl is from an average, good home, with matching socks, a cashmere sweater and nice jeans with her hair neatly pulled back.  The buyers don’t think twice from buying from this little girl and might even buy extra.  This unfortunate truth was more than enough to dissuade me from even considering doing a fundraiser.

Bonnie went to our neighbors across the street, an old couple with gorgeous flowers decorating their yard.  The husband wanted to buy his wife some candles and jewelry. It was obvious he was madly in love with her even after 65 years or so of marriage. He ended up spending forty-five dollars on merchandise and paid Bonnie in cash.  I told Bonnie to take the money to school and give it the teacher right away.  Lena talked Bonnie into giving the money to her to “hold on to”.   

A few weeks went by and the deadline to turn the money in had passed and Bonnie had since forgotten about the cash Lena “was holding onto”.  I had other things to worry about. It was vacation time! My uncle was coming that afternoon and we would be off to Hagerman for two weeks of fun!  I had my bag packed and was ready to go when my uncle pulled up to the drive. I didn’t even think twice about saying goodbye to my little brothers and sister.  I didn’t even bother talking to Lena.  When we go to Hagerman I was only there a couple days before I started feeling uneasy.  All I could think about was my family. 


I woke up one morning and told my uncle I needed to go home. I told him I didn’t feel right about something.  He talked to me for a minute asking if it was homesickness, I said yes, however, we all know that was a lie.  I just knew in my heart that something was not right.  Before we left that morning Lena called my uncle to inform me that Bonnie had gone two days ago to live with John Sr. I was devastated, but I still felt that something else was wrong.

Uncle Maurice loaded up his beaten old’ Bronco and went inside to talk to his wife Beth.  As I got ready to take my seat, I couldn’t help but notice that the leather material over the seat was almost completely gone, yet there was one corner that was looked as if it never saw a day of wear or tear. On the ride home I diligently picked at that spot. We stopped to get gas and I lifted my leg and couldn’t help but notice the leather didn’t look like I had even touched it. It was a survivor.  

A few blocks away from my house a police car pulled out in front of us, and soon two more.  I don’t know how I knew but I knew where they were heading. We pulled up just seconds after the police vehicles, to find Child Protection Services, a van and several other police cars already there.  My heart cried the tears my eyes would not allow.  My eyes had to portray a brick wall, I needed to be strong.  


Stepping out of the bronco the first sight I saw was Logan crying. I went and picked him and he said that they were going to take everyone away. I handed him off to my uncle and went to find my two older brothers Chris and John.  They were in the back room talking.  Chris and John were in total shock. They couldn’t understand how she could get caught. I looked at them and told them that I thought it was about time. Chris hit me across the face, just as a police officer was coming down the hall. He took Chris and John outside.  I went to my uncle to see if he’d figured out what had happened.

The neighbors had called the police to retrieve the money from Bonnie that was owed them.  When the officer arrived the kids were alone and Lena was gone. Killkenny brought out a construction glove that had a methamphetamine needle inside and speed pen.  The officer took the glove and asked Killkenny who it belonged too. He told him it was Chuck’s and our Mother’s.  The officer called some more police men and entered the home.  Upon walking through the home, he was appalled at cat urine and feces all over the floor, fifthly bedrooms with food on the floors, and a kitchen that screamed hazardous. Finishing his search the officer called Health and Welfare and CPS was there in a heartbeat. I arrived in the middle of all of this.

I took off running after the police snagged my older brothers and ran to Allan’s. I needed to tell him what was happening.  I got to Allan’s and he gave me my pay for that week.  I headed down to the Mustard Seed (a local store) and bought a few things. I got to Allan’s and there was a car with two women in it. 


When I reached Allan he asked if I had done anything wrong, I told him what had happened and that we were being taken away. The two women came up to me and I went with them where I’d meet up with my family at the Department of Health and Welfare.  Lena showed up after I had left.  And was cuffed and taken into custody.  When I arrived at Health and Welfare I was taken by Pat (my caseworker) to my foster home in Jerome…the beginning of a whole new journey.

End of Part One

Christmas

Christmas was fast approaching and I was worried about what I would get the children. I worked for Allan still but that money was needed for groceries. I'm sure Lena would have found a church but I wanted my kids to have gifts from someone who knew them and cared for them.

Going to work one day Allan could tell something was troubling my soon to be eleven-year-old mind. He asked me what was making my "brown eyes blue." I told him my concerns for Christmas and I watched his eyes light up. Allan was such giving and loving person. He had several grandchildren he never got to see and this was a real treat for him. He told me first things first he needed to get me a coat.  My cherry red bare ears, cheeks, arms and neck must have been a dead giveaway that I did not have one.  He took me to JCPenny and me a nice heavy gold down coat. It was Mary Kate and Ashley and I felt cooler than ever in it! After he bought me the coat he took me home and told me he'd pick me up the next day after school.

True to his word Allan came and picked me up at home.  We drove a little ways down Bluelakes to Kmart. Once we got inside Allan handed me a one hundred dollar bill! He told me that he couldn't buy his grandchildren Christmas and so he'd buy us Christmas! I took the money and bargained shopped. I bought each of the children two gifts. I remember I bought Bonnie a set of pink and blue lava lamps and a jewelry box.  I bought Killkenny a light up Nerf football and a Nerf water gun. Maurice I bought him a magic set and action figure. Logan I bought him a G.I. Joe figure. It came with two uniforms with guns and shoes to match and a few army men. I also got him a bunch of army men and a jeep. I used up every penny of that money for their Christmas.

Allan took me back to his apartment and there I wrapped each present and hid them in his closet.  He would bring them by Christmas morning. There are times when I know with out a doubt that God sent Allan for us children.

~

Chuck still lived with us. I hated him with a fiery passion comparable to the hate Satan has for God's faithful children. Every night before bed he'd come in to say "good night". These visits were him kissing my cheeks and telling me how perfect my body was and how much he loved me and couldn't wait to be with me. 

Christmas Eve Chuck came into my room yet again.  On the eve of my birthday you'd think he'd leave me alone.  He lay next to me tracing my figure telling me how it was shaped just right and if I learned to use it right it'd make me great money. He whispered into my ear nasty and vulgar details of what he wanted to do with me.  I felt something slip into my hands. It was a one hundred dollar bill.  Chuck turned me on my back and told me that he'd be my first customer.  I was crying by now and asked him not to touch me that I didn't want to do those things with him.  He told me that since he paid me I had to. So I threw the money at him.  This infuriated Chuck and he punched me hard in the rib cage.  I had never felt a blow so hard. Immediately I threw up all over him and myself. Angry and soiled in throw up Chuck got up, kicked my side and left the room.

I hurt too bad to move and just cried.  Lena must have heard Chuck go back to his room. She sleepily came in and saw that I had puke all over me and assumed that I had just gotten sick.  She told me to get up and go to the bathroom and clean up and she would get me a new blanket. I came and laid back down on the floor too sore and tired to want to even cry. Christmas morning came and I had to go to Allan's.  At some point in the night I had moved to the bed on the floor and my little brother was asleep where I was. I don't know when this exchange took place, and it break my heart that he might have witnessed what happened and gave up his bed for me. 

I missed the opening up of gifts because I couldn't get out of bed. My rib cage hurt too bad.  So my birthday celebration was brought to me. A new years cake with a giant 2003 candle was my eleventh birthday cake. I didn't have the energy to be happy. I blew out the candle and fell asleep right afterwards. I woke up hours later around 3:00 pm and decided I needed to get the kid's gifts. I walked to Allan's about three miles away and each step seemed to kill me.

When I reached Allan's I picked up all the gifts and set them on the bed. I quickly counted them all. Eight, neatly wrapped Christmas gifts in sparkling snowflake paper. A glimmer shone in my eyes and in my heart, a glimmer of happiness.  I was excited for the children to open these! I told Allan I was sick that morning and that was why I was late.  He tossed me his keys and told me to load the presents in his car. I came back up and told me we were all set. Looking at me funny he asked if I had gotten everything. I said yes. He said he thought there were nine not eight.  I assured him I only bought two presents for each of the four little ones. A warm grandpa smile spread from ear to ear on Allan.  "Then what's that one, there under the microwave?"

Under the microwave was a square box wrapped in tons of blue plastic grocery bags. I picked it up and on top was my name!

Months before Allan had received a catalog in the mail and in it was a boom-box. A little round blue boom-box that I squealed over! I told Allan how I never had a one of my own. How I had to ask my brothers to use theirs but they would always tease me and make me do stupid stuff in front of their friends for me to use it. Allan merely laughed and said that the last thing I needed was a boom-box (I was loud enough apparently).

Opening the gift I was surprised to find that same little blue CD player (boom-box). Tears filled my eyes and I hugged Allan as tight as my little arms would allow.  I have never received a gift that held such meaning to me. His gift showed me that he truly loved my family and that he wanted to help us, even if it meant giving me the one gift I was sure not to get from anyone else.

The next morning as I soaked in the bathtub I examined the bruises on my side thinking that they weren't as bad as the bruises left on my spirit.  I swore to myself that I would be better then the life I was living now. In our neighbor's window she had a picture of a woman in a blue gown holding a beautiful baby wrapped in swaddling clothes. I wanted to be like that woman. She seemed so loving and full of grace. Now I know that woman was Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ. A woman with such perfect love and such a meek spirit that God would chose her to carry His Only Begotten.  One day he'd let me carry one of his children and raise him/her. Then I would show the world that I was a good girl and I could accomplish great things!

Winds of Change

Moving back in with Lena was hard. She was living in a one bedroom hotel room that only had one bed.  Most of us had to sleep on the floor and Lena and the youngest slept on the bed. There were seven of us living in the room. Just down the hall from us was a man named Allan F. Conor. He was a war veteran who was living in room 210.  Allan was the "grandfather" of  the Super 7 children.  His kind heart and compassion for us was what we needed.  He let me work for him by keeping his hotel room clean.   I use to bring Logan with me every time and he and Allan would play together until I was finished.

Allan was more than generous with my pay.  He had three walls he'd pay my fourty dollars a wall to wash them.  With that money I could buy groceries for my family.  I never had shoes that fit me and Logan never had shoes he could keep tied.  Whenever Payless Shoes had a sale he'd take us to buy a new pair of shoes. Allan's back couldn't take having to bed over and tie Logan's shoes over and over again so he bought Logan a pair of Velcro straps that lit up when he walked.  And he bought me shoes that fit.  It was in Payless Shoes that I bought my first pair of high heels and ever since I can't get enough of them!

I use to have a hard time getting Logan to eat his vegetables and Allan had a wonderfully bright idea. He knew how much my little brother loved Sonic the Hedgehog and Allan convinced Logan that if he ate his veggies that Logan would be able to run as fast as Sonic! After dinner from then on out Logan would put on his light up shoes and run as fast as he could around the parking lot. I would barely jog behind him acting like I was running as fast as I could.Our race would end with him running into my arms laughing and giggling in his triumph. Logan's laughter caused a filling of hope to ripple through my heart like a pebble tossed in a lake.

~

CPS soon caught wind that Lena was trying to house all of us in that one bedroom hotel room.  Lena found a garage turned house for rent. It had three bedrooms and a living room, with an extremely small kitchen. This house was on Locust Street just down from the 7Eleven.  The school we attended was Bickel Elementary.

I hated going to school more than anything.  I had no friends and was constantly being picked on.  Lena would take Bonnie and I to the Salvation Army where we would rip open donation bags and search for clothes.  There was this group of girls and boys who were especially rude to my sister and me. And once Bonnie wore a shirt to school that use to belong to one of those girls. Her name was even on the tag.  It just so happened that a shirt we scoured from the donation drop off use to be Rachell's. Rachell cornered Bonnie in the bathroom that morning and teased her viciously and forced Bonnie to take the shirt of and give it to her. All Bonnie had to wear was her zip up sweater. Bonnie came crying to me and instantly I was red with anger. 

I walked up to Rachell and her friends to chew them a new one.  When I got to them they all just stared at me. And one of the girls, Courtney, leaned into my face and peered at a pimple on my forehead.She started to laugh and made a big commotion about how gross it was and soon several other fifth graders were joining in on the laugh.  Nothing so small had ever made me cry before, but I could not control the tears that came streaming down my face.  When recess ended instead of going back to class I went home. Lena wouldn't be there anyway so I could watch TV.

School got so bad for all of us kids, I would get up an hour early and set the alarm clock back by two hours. Most mornings Lena didn't even want to try and get us up after sleeping in three or four hours late. She wasn't the mother after all, I was.  Whenever there was a problem with one of the kids I was called to the office.  When we first moved to Locust St, Logan was barely starting first grade. We took him to class and it wasn't Lena but me he cried for. He held on to me so tight not wanting me to leave. I told his teacher where she could find me if she needed me. It was so heart breaking to walk away listening to him crying my name.

Once I was called to the office and in my stomach I had a feeling it was about Killkenny. Sure enough when I arrived to the office the secretary told me that he had ditched school after morning recess. I left school and went looking for him.  I found him and Maurice hiding on top of the house.  I couldn't figure out why they were hiding up there but soon the sound of fire engines told it all.  They had broken into a man's shop while he was on vacation and started playing with a lighter and some WD40.  A flame burst out of control and set to fire the shop.  Killkenny had to bust a window (cutting his hands) to free him and Maurice. They ran home and hid on top of the roof waiting for everything to blow over.  The poor man came home from is vacation to a burned house and shop.

This type of behavior became worse as Lena became less of a mother.  The boys were ditching school more and more and I was having to find work every where.  Our food stamps were being used to buy our older brothers junk food so they could "babysit" us children.  It was I that did the sitting. I would make everyone dinner with what we had. Because Lena used the stamps on junk food I had to create meals. I invented the Dorito Burrito . This was beef and Dorito chips rolled into a cooked tortilla. I had no concept of what was healthy for kids. Looking back now, I find I beat myself up for being a bad "mother".  I was only ten, I wish today that then winning a game of hop scotch was my only worry.

~

Our school was participating in one of those money drives where you take home a catalog and try to sell as much candy or nicnaks you can to earn points for your school.  I never participated in those because I just wasn't a child anyone would look at and say, "How cute! Oh I just have to buy from her!".

One of the girls in my grade had up to $750.00 worth of money in an envelope to turn in the final day.  In elementary school we would switch teachers for different subjects and I would sit in this young ladies desk for science.  After science ended we went back to our original classrooms.  Not soon after we had switched back my science teacher came in and started whispering to my regular teacher.  She looked at me and motioned for me to come up front. All three of us went out into the hallway and for some reason my heart fell right  past my stomach to my toes. Again this is a scene better left to dialogue.

"LeAndra, Ashely had an envelope of money and checks in her desk before you came into my classroom and after you left it was gone. Do you have any idea what could have happened to it?" She looked at me as if she already knew I had the money.
"No, I don't know. I didn't even know there was any there." I could feel my body shaking. Why was I shaking so much? I wasn't guilty. This was a response I had learned from living with John Sr. All his mind games where about me feeling guilty and bad even when I wasn't at fault.
"I think you're lying LeAndra, both of us, meaning your teacher and I, feel that you have that money." I could tell by the conviction in her voice and in her eyes that my teacher agreed. I thought this over in my head. Ashely was a clean girl. Her hair was always nicely up in a tight ponytail. She had the best clothes and her smile screamed angel! I was a dingy, scrawny girl with greasy hair who had years of hardship etched into my face making my smile crooked and dull. How could they believe me?
"I didn't take the money, I swear it!" Tears were streaming down my face as my hands shook fiercely. The look the teachers gave me made me cry even harder. I just wanted to yell, "I'M NOT A BAD GIRL! I'M NOT A BAD GIRL!" But I knew that wouldn't get me anywhere. My teacher told me to go back to my desk.

I walked in and every eye was on me. A few if Ashley's friends saw my tears and sneered at me.  We had to switch classes one more time for math.  Again I sat in Ashely's desk and peered in it to see if maybe she just over looked the envelope but it was not there.  I looked around the room eying any possible suspects. Two boys ,who were good friends with Ashley, stared at me, their looks sending chills down my spine.

After math Ashley's teacher came into our class room and announced Ashley's envelope had been returned. Looking at me she handed my teacher a note. When I received the note it stated that I needed to stay after school. I tried to explain to my two teachers that I never took the cash and I never put it back. I even explained how I looked in her desk to see if it got pushed to the back.  My testimony was all lies as far as these two women were concerned. They let me off the hook because I "had returned the money".  Leaving the school building I wanted so badly to run, run as fast, far and hard as I could until my feet gave out.

As soon as I left the boundaries of the school yard and onto the sidewalk Ashley, her two friends, and two boy friends rode their bikes slowly behind me. They would speed up every now and then to ram my legs with their tires. I tried running but the two boys would ride faster and get in front of me. I finally stopped and told Ashely I wasn't the one who took her money. I wouldn't cry. I was tougher than that. Ashely looked me dead in the eye and said. "I know dirty slut I did. I took it with me to your class and put it back after math." I wished I had had the courage to run back to school and tell my teacher!

The kids closed in on me ramming me with their bikes, calling me names and hitting me. When my house was within eyesight  I ran as hard and fast as I could. Once I got inside the fence and into the privacy of my room I cried so hard I began to have trouble breathing. I couldn't take anymore!

Lena came home and knocked on my door. I thought she was coming in to ask what was wrong but instead she had a tall gangling man standing next to her. "LeAndra sweet heart, Chuck needs your girls' room. He's going to be living with us for awhile." The way Chuck looked at me with evil lust in his eyes made me lash out. I started to scream and cry even harder telling my mother that there was no way in hell he was getting our room.  However that night, I found myself sleeping on the floor in the boys bedroom with no blanket or pillow, while Chuck used mine.

As I write this I am shocked at the tears streaming down my face.  How can children be so cruel! How can a mother be so selfish and black hearted? My baby girl is asleep on my lap and my tears are hitting her head. Those tears aren't just for me but for the thousands of children around the world and in our very own country who are hurting like I once did. The burning in my heart tells me that my daughter will never have that problem. As God as my witness I will be the mother I never had.

~

That same night my tears and heartache were prayer enough to Heavenly Father. I felt a warm sensation seem to hug me and pull me close until I fell asleep. As I drifted off a distinct feeling came to me that change, GOOD change was about to happen.

Good Girl

Everything about living with John and his wife was horrible. They were very open about their intimate life and were always drinking and doing their drugs in front of us.  I can't get over how repulsing and immature their behavior was.  John was convinced that I was there to spy on him for Lena. His stepdaughter had invited me to "hang" with her in her room.  I had never been her room before and was amazed at how beautifully decorated it was. She had a gorgeous four poster queen size bed. Lush navy blue bed set with starts and moons, a design that carried onto her walls and ceiling. I couldn't quit looking around her room. She had everything any girl could have wanted.

Apparently Meghan thought I was "spying" and trying to find things to report back to Lena. She had told her mom and John Sr about this and they brought me into their room for a  private conversation. They asked me if Lena sent me to them to spy and tell her what went on in their house. I was really confused, because I was under the impression that John wanted me there. I later found out that Lena told the court she didn't want me. So John had no choice but to take custody of me.

I tried really hard to convince him that I wasn't and that I had no say in the matter. However they were not convinced and my punishment was to have my heat taken away.  I couldn't have heat in my room until I confessed. In the middle of winter, in Sun Valley, Idaho, is not a time one wants her heat turned off. One night I was so cold I couldn't fall asleep I was shivering so much that my whole body ached. I got up out of bed and turned my heat on just a little bit and lay on the floor next the heater.

I fell fast asleep but was shortly awaken by a dreadful shaking sensation.  I had welcomed the heat so much that I seemed to pass into another world in my sleep. For when I woke my heat was off , my clothes were off and my blankets off my bed and in their place was a t-shirt. I pulled it on and curled up in a baby ball on my bed, so cold it seemed my brain was too frozen to register what had taken place.

Now, as I am writing this, there is a storm raging outside my bedroom window, and I am sure it's freezing outside...I am overcome with gratitude for the heat keeping me warm.

~

John and his wife soon found a home in Carey, just an hour outside of Sun Valley, they hoped to buy. Carey was a very small town. K-12 all attended school in the same building only separated by a door.  Out of all the schools I attended there was something different about the students and teachers in Carey. The teachers were so nice and the students all accepted me.  I quickly made several friends (something that had never happened for me in previous schools).  I was in the fourth grade and my teacher Mrs. Cloud,  was the sweetest woman on earth. I adored her! Her name wasn't actually Mrs. Cloud. She was a bigger woman whose body shape resembled a cloud , at least to my ten year old mind.

I'd look forward to attending class every day because of her kindness.  There were several times I just wanted to curl up on her lap and have her hold me as I cried.  Those were the times John and Bridget were their worst towards me.  I had two "boy friends" in the fourth grade. They were twins, I believe their names were the Park brothers or something.  I sat between both of them in class and they had the hugest crush on me and I them. I learned that they couldn't date until they were sixteen so we made a pact that when we all turned sixteen we would date.  I remember thinking that was a really strange rule. I was ten and my father was already telling me if I ever wanted to have sex that I needed to talk to him first and use a condom.

I envied the lives of all my class mates. It seemed to me that they had the ideal life. They were all well mannered and seemed to glow everyday. I also quickly learned that they didn't swear, not even as much as the word "crap".  This was discovered one day at lunch time.  I didn't have a lunch packed and I was too embarrassed to go to the lunch room to ask for one. When it came time to eat with my friends, I sat down and said "Crap! I forgot my lunch!". A few of the girls gasped! However my friend Bonnie put her arm around me and said to the girls "It's okay, she doesn't know." She then explained to me how they didn't swear or use the Lord's name in vain (I had done that on occasion also). I respected these girls and from then on out I quit swearing, not even at home where it was permitted.

Although my school life was going great, my home life worsened as the season changed from fall to winter.   John and Lena were fighting more and more over us children and they were constantly shooting arrows at each other.  Lena would go to the judge and claim that John was abusing us and making us do drugs. John would call the judge and claim Lena was doing drugs and was using her rent money to pay for it. I was sick of the constant battling and no winning side. This wasn't helping my case either, as you may recall  John Sr, thought I was there under cover for Lena, divulging all his secrets and imperfections.

I walked in the house after school one day and there was a fire in John's eyes when I came through the door. He was mad about something and I knew his anger was directed towards me.  His wife had made oatmeal for breakfast that day and I have never like oatmeal, and so I didn't eat it. I chose to get the free breakfast they gave out at school.  apparently Bridget was "offended" I did not eat her meal. However, I knew that she could care less whether or not I ate it, she just loved John to get angry at me. He grabbed my arm and dragged me into the kitchen were the bowl of oatmeal was still sitting.  It was made at 7:00 am and it was now 4:00pm. It had been sitting out for nine hours and the milk that was inside of the bowl, was consumed by the meal and sour.

Bridget came out and she started the "conversation" (as were all our ordeals called). ( I do have to say, that, that morning I had told Bridget I liked the oatmeal, because I was deathly afraid of being smacked if I told her I didn't like it.) She stood her ground next to John matching his height. They reminded me of the Twin Towers, very intimidating, however  John and Bridget lacked the beauty and sophistication the towers once had. I feel to describe this scene best I need to divert to dialog for a moment.

"LeAndra, why didn't you eat your oatmeal this morning? Didn't you like it?" Bridget's tone sounded sweet and inquisitive but her face unveiled the lie her voice portrayed.
"I do like it." was all I could think of to say. I hated this mind game that was too often played, my tears and punishment the only objective .
"LeAndra, Bridget got up early this morning and made this meal. You're saying that you like it but you didn't take a damn bite. You just left it." John had his arm around Bridget now, a sad sign. A sign that it was all about her and nothing I said even mattered anymore, I was in for it.
"She lies all the time John, I"m sick of her lies and her shit." John's wife wasted no time moving on to picking on me.
"I"m not a liar you are!" I was surprised at the intensity in my voice. I realized right after I had yelled that it was a mistake. Before I could bat an eye John's hand came flying across my cheek bone and eye. Instantly tears filled my eyes, but I willed them not to fall.  I knew if they fell, John Sr would come back with another slap, in order to "give me something to cry about".
"No you are the liar LeAndra! Your'e just like Lena! You're a lying conniving little bitch!" His words seemed to sting more than the blows to my face. They were blows to my heart, spirit and self worth.  Those last six words quickly became his favorite and my downfall. What he did next was a mind game that hurt me so much I can't even begin to imagine why anyone would do such a thing to a child.

"You are. You know that?" He stared at me for a minute and I couldn't figure out whether or not he wanted an answer. He put his hands on his hips and said, "well?".
I lowered my eyes and barely whispered a meek "no".
"What?" His voice was sharp and merciless.
"Yes, I'm a liar." I could feel my heart race as if it were trying to escape the hurt it was about to face.
"What kind of liar? And don't give me no smart answers you little bitch." He was really warming up now.
"I'm a lying conniving little bitch." I couldn't hold them back anymore and the tears fell into my hands. Their warmth seemed to hold them as if saying I would be okay.

"Yes you are. When you were three years old, you went to your mom and told her "daddy made me lick my his peepee. Why did you lie about that? Why did you tell your mom that I touched you and hurt you?" My mind raced a million miles a minute. What was he doing?! He knows he did those things! He knows he hurt me until I cried! Why was he doing this to me! I was his daughter. I quickly realized how exhausted I was emotionally and was tired of his game.

"I didn't tell mom that." I said, looking down at the floor.
"She's lying John, I can tell." This was the first Bridget had said this whole time. She always came in right on cue and said the right things to get John going.
"Are you going to tell the truth?" He asked me stepping even closer to my face.
"I did tell the truth." Another hard slap to the face, this time causing my lip to bleed. I didn't want to give in to this one. I knew what had done to me, and I wasn't going to redact it just for his satisfaction.
"You will sit here and eat this whole bowl of oatmeal while I watch. If you try and make yourself sick in any way, or skip out on the last bite I'll bring out my belt and whip you." Bridget handed me a huge serving spoon and told me to "Enjoy".

And so I ate the whole bowl. It took me two hours, and John stayed true to his word. Anytime I so much as gagged he'd flick my ear from behind reminding me that he was there. I had to wait a half an hour after wards before I could go do anything, just in case I would attempt to throw it up. Trust me, I did not need to do any forcing it came up on it's own.

When I went to go to bed that night John stopped me at the stairs and handed me a pillow and throw blanket. I knew exactly where I was headed. Off of the dinning room there was a huge empty cement room. John called it the potato room. I called it the dungeon.  I spent many nights there and it was  in those walls my imagination really came to life. I would talk to myself and think up stories and after I was allowed back into my room, I'd write them down. That night though John assured me that I would no longer be going back to my room that the "dungeon" was my new room...for good. It was December and the room was freezing! I had never felt such cold in my life. I tried to escape into my own mind but the images of our earlier "conversation", kept my awake and shivering with anger and sorrow.

After two weeks had passed John and Bridget had "put up with enough crap" from my little brother Killkenny and me and were sending us home to Lena. Now, my brother John Jr had been sent back to Lena awhile back, but that was so he could "spy on Lena, like she was having me spy on John Sr".  The plan was for Lena to come and pick us up after school just before Christmas break. I looked forward to that moment everyday.

On the day we were to leave, Bridget took me into school and brought me into class. Holding me by the wrist she told all my classmates and teacher that I was a lying selfish girl. She said I was a slut and a bitch and that I never told the truth and I came home and told her how much I hated my friends and teachers and that I called them all bad names.  I was not expecting this and instantly I froze.  All this was a lie and I could tell my teacher knew. Bridget leaned down just before she left and whispered into my ear, "Now you know how it feels brat." And pinched my under arm so hard it drew blood.  I didn't know what to do.

At recess my teacher came over to me and gave me the biggest hug and took me out to the front desk. There stood a few other of my teachers and the principle. She talked to them for a brief moment, and when they all looked at me there was a compassion and a sorrow in their eyes. And then my friends all came in and took me out to play.  I soon forgot about what had happened and was caught of in the best school day I ever had.

When the day came to a close Killkenny and I were summoned to the front desk. Lena had just called and was five minutes away. They handed Killkenny a shinny Christmas package which he opened with delight. It was a nerf football. They handed me two gifts. One was for Christmas and inside was a scarf and gloves. The second gift was for my birthday and they told me not to open it until I was on the road. After Lena had came and picked us up and after we had finished conversing I opened my gift. Inside it was a purse filled with treats and jewelry. The most important part though was a card. It stated that I was a beautiful daughter of God and he loves me dearly. I had a sweet spirit that was honest and true. It expressed how much they'd all miss me and what a joy I was to have in their school. It ended with a simple "You're a good girl LeAndra."

For the first time in years I truly felt real love.  The warmth inside of me was more than I could handle and I found myself crying as I realized I was driving further and further away from people who loved me. I held onto one thing though, the one thing that would get me through the trials yet to come my way. After being molested, delivering drugs for Lena, or being picked on by other children I'd whisper five simple words to myself.

"You're a good girl LeAndra. You're a good girl"

The Custody Battle

Like I said John Sr. couldn't have picked a better time to come back. After he left, she sat us all down to discuss what had taken place. There would be a court hearing to see who would get custody of what children. Custody battles are horrible! It's an almost like child auction. I never want to put my children through it, if I can help it. 


John and his wife came over once again but to "examine the children".  They wanted to see which ones they wanted. Lena told John Sr. he could take John Jr, Killkenny, and me. John agreed that he'd take us three back to Sun Valley with him until the hearing in January. Well it was July. That was a full six months. John and his wife left and would be back after a couple hours to pick us up. 


With every article of clothing I packed the more and more I remembered that dreadful morning when John Sr hurt me.  A fear, words could never describe, began to bloom in the pit of my stomach. I didn't want to go. When it came time for John and Bridget (his wife) to pick us up I faked sick. My brothers kept trying to get me to go but I insisted that I stay. Finally John Sr got so frustrated he left me. I was so relieved. What was  I thinking?! Why would I ever want to live with that awful evil man again? 


Well summer came and went and soon school started back up again. I hated going to school because I always felt so stupid compared to the rest of the class. The only real thing I looked forward too was recess and teather ball. I may not have been able to spell every word right, do my 6o in a minute or color inside the lines but boy could I teather that ball! I was the play ground champion! I even beat the tallest of kids! 


Other kids would ask me how I won every single time, or how I'd beat the older kids also.  I told them I didn't know. But honestly that ball was my therapy. I'd imagine every person that had ever hurt me and just hit and hit until the ball quit coming back my way and was wrapped tight around that pole. I can't recall how many bloody noses I accidentally gave kids because of how hard I was hitting the ball.  When I'd go home with a "paw note" (given out to misbehaving children) I'd sign Lena's name and bring it back the next day. I never did it on purpose but the kids always played it out like I did.  


I wanted so badly to have friends! I wanted to prove to the other children and my teachers that I WAS a good girl! One night I went into Lena's room and found a speed pen (a hollowed out pen used to do speed) and a bag of pot. I hid them under my pillow that night when I went to bed and had big plans for the following day. 


My plan was to take the drugs and go to school with them. I was going to turn them into my teacher and tell on my mom, step dad, and brothers.  I felt so powerful walking to school that morning. With each step I grew excited and anxious. As I rounded the corner of the power plant, just a block away from my destination, an overwhelming presence or feeling stopped me in my tracks.  Without giving it a second thought I found a rock and buried the drugs underneath the heavy stone and dirt. On my way home from school I checked the rock and the stash was missing. 


Looking back, I did not know what stopped me or why that day, but now I know what stopped me. The spirit of God stopped me. Someone was following me that morning, someone knew I had those drugs and had intended me harm. Again, evidence that there was a heavenly being protecting me, slipped right under my nose. 


A few weeks after, a phone call from John Sr came, saying he was going to come and pick me up. Lena told me I had to go. John was my dad and I had no choice. Sure enough two weeks later I found myself at John's home. I was surprised to see how nice it was. His wife was an interior decorator and it was evident she was good at what she did. They took me to my room. I felt like a princess!


The room was an eggshell white with pink trim. It had a full bed with a thick white comforter that shined with pink sequences. When the sun hit the plastic jewels just right, they seemed to dance across the wall of my room. There were several pillows on my bed each with their own decorative sham that screamed royalty! The frame was a rustic white head and foot board with flowers and leaves that intertwined. The whole get up reminded me of Cinderella's coach. I never knew how easily a nervous and sick stomach could be bribed away with material things. 


My brothers' room was in the attic and it amazed me even more. John Jr's side was adorned with airplanes and posters of jets.  His bed was a queen and had a lush camouflage quilt. Killkenny's side had rocket ships and planets floating above and all around his bed and dresser. They each had four or five model cars and planes. Their room was every boy's dream. 


All this distracted me for just a short time. It didn't take long before I realized that I was with John Sr. and that he was a dangerous man. Christmas with John Sr came and went and January was fast approaching. He and his wife were still super nice and seemed to be safe during this time.  Bridget even taught me how to shave my legs. I was ten. 


January was fast approaching and I suddenly remembered the custody battle was too. The week of I told John Sr and his wife that I wanted to go home when they left. I wanted to be with my mom. I didn't want stay any longer. They tried for hours to talk me out of it but I only fought more. Finally John told me that after the hearing they'd come back and get me to go home. That way  I would have time to pack all my things. 


A few days later they left for Twin Falls for the hearing. I spent all morning trying to pack my things but my step-sister kept distracting me with things. She wouldn't let me. Fed up, I started yelling at her and we got in a huge fight. I screamed and cried and lashed out trying to hit her out of my way. We only stopped a second to answer a phone call. It was John Sr with the news from the hearing...he had custody of Killkenny, John and me. My world stopped in that instance. I was dumbfounded and silent. What had just happened? I was just signed off to John Sr with no choice in the matter.  Didn't anyone care that he had hurt me?! 


I snapped out of my trance and screaming ran to my room stuffing what ever I could into bags and boxes. Meghan (my stepsister) did nothing to stop me this time. That was the plan. She was to distract me all day until John called with the news. I hated her. I hated him. I wanted out. I screamed and cried and packed all of my belongings. I needed someone to rescue me, but no one knew I needed rescuing. 


When John and Bridget arrived home that night I was still furious. However, I had worn myself out. All I could do was sit on my bed and cry.  When John and his wife came to my bedroom door the look I gave them said it all; I hate you.


John came in and quickly and briskly slapped me across the face and told me to cut my shit out. I was too tired and worn out to care or even feel the sting. But that night, when I was alone in the dark of my room a tear stole furtively down my cheek as I realized the honeymoon was over, and this is how I'd be treated the rest of my days with John Sr. I did the only thing I knew would bring me comfort. Kneeling on the cold floor of my room I prayed to my God. 

"God, please save me. I'm so scared."

Chapter 3

Through out my life I have found that God has his own way of answering prayers...and most times it's not what we expected. John Sr. did make his way back to us. But with a wife and step daughter. I was walking home from school with my siblings and we were followed by a white car who beat us to our driveway. A tall bald man and a shorter heavy woman approached the door. 

When I got to the front step I knew exactly who it was. John Sr had come home. He talked to Lena for awhile and I tried to talk to him but she ushered me inside and wouldn't let me out. So I stood behind her listening the whole time. Finally a fourteen-year-old girl got of the car. John Sr. introduced her as his daughter. Instantly I was red with jealous rage. She wasn't even his biological daughter! I wanted even more to go live with him now. They talked to more and then John's crew left. 

I remember thinking he couldn't have come at a better time. The abuse and wild life Lena created for me became more and more dangerous with each passing day. 

Still till this day I haven't had the chance to tell Lena this story. She had me do a delivery for her one evening. When I got to the man's house he was really high and disillusional. His wife and daughter and blind son BJ were not at home. I gave him the white envelope of "spices" and before he'd give me the money and let me leave I had to watch him smoke it, just in case it was bad dope. The man was already hitting at things in the air and paranoid that there was a killer in his house. 

He got through one joint and handed me the cash. I thought I was free to go but as he handed me the wad his face turned velvet red. He grabbed me by the arm and started yelling at me and shaking me. He called me a liar and a cheater.  Apparently he thought I was his wife. The man kept telling me that I was his and no one else's and he caught me sleeping with other men. 

I struggled and cried and tried to break free but his hands were huge and caged in my paper thin arms. He didn't like me struggling so to stop me, he pulled back and slapped me hard in the face. He let go of my arm and used that same hand to do it. I bolted I ran to the door and next thing I knew I was face down in the pavement. He'd kicked me in the back and told me that he was going to leave me. I held the cash tight and ran as fast as I could for home. I threw the cash in Lena's room and went to mine to cry myself to sleep. 

CHAPTER 2 PART 2

The next morning when I woke up there were boxes adorning our living room. As I ventured around the house I saw more and more boxes filled with our belongings. I found Lena packing up our bedroom. I asked her what was going on and she told me that we were moving to Twin Falls (another city in Idaho, about two hours away from Boise). I continued to probe asking her questions like why and where were we going to live there? She then proceeded to tell me that we bought a big house and dad got a new job that made lots of money. She talked to me as though I was seven...and I was but as stated before I felt ten times older.

Douglas came back in our truck and handed Lena a huge envelope of cash. I had never seen so much money before and with our move I saw and handled cash like that quite often. After everything was packed, Lena loaded us all into my Uncle's Bronco. Just before she got in John Sr pulled up in his Ford. He'd been at work all day and came home early. Taking in the scene before him he had that look...that red faced look which said he was ready to fight. Lena walked over and they began to yell at each other with a hateful passion I still do not comprehend.

Lena got in the front seat. Bonnie, my dear red headed sister, asked if her daddy would be coming. Lena assured her that he would meet us there. She could not see, but my eyes shot spears of anger at Lena, hoping that they'd pierce her in some way.

The big house Lena told me about was called The Valley House; a shelter for battered and abused women. With her she brought Chris, John Jr. me, Bonnie, Killkenny, Maurice and Logan, Douglas stayed with John Sr. I was furious that she had lied to BonBon. When we were all unpacked the first thing my sister did was go sit out on the front step to wait for dad to show up. I listened to Lena lie about my brother Chris's age. Boys over twelve were not allowed to stay at The Valley House. So, Lena lied and said that he was twelve, not thirteen. All the lies were beginning to really bother me.

Later that night, I heard Lena on the phone with John Sr. She told him "you wouldn't believe the lies had to tell to get into this place!". She heard me coming and quickly hung up the phone. I couldn't take it anymore I blew at her.

"Why do you keep lying?!!? I hate it!!! You lied to me about the house, you lied to Bonnie about dad and you lied to get in here!!! I hate it when you lie! Can't you tell the truth? Bon Bon sat on the front porch all day until she was called in for bed because she thought dad was going to come! I hate you Lena! I freaking hate you!"

I stormed upstairs and went to bed. A few hours later Lena came up and sat on my bed. Stroking my hair she promised me that she'd quit lying and change her life...sadly I knew that promise was also a lie.

It did not take long before we were kicked out of the shelter. They had a three strikes and you're out policy. The first strike was Killkenny getting into paint and painting doors and breaking doorknobs. The second strike was Lena and her friend leaving me alone to watch my four younger siblings and her friends two twin babies. More things got painted and broken that day too. The third strike was Lena leaving us there by ourselves overnight because she had gotten high on drugs and couldn't come home that night.

We quickly found a house, turned apartment on 469 Van Burne Street just two blocks from Harrison Elementary. Lena met a man named Garry and he and his sons moved in with us. Gary was very abusive and hated us kids with a passion.

His sons were very rude and bullied me quite often, but I knew it was because of their dad. His son Zayne backed talked Garry and he bashed Zayne's head through a fish tank. He had to go get stitches from his cheek bone, to his ear, and on to his head.

When Garry moved in I started to miss John Sr. I would cry for him every night and get mad at Lena for leaving him. All these strange men were coming into our house and would find their way to me every time. I felt safe around John Sr. He only hurt me with his words after I exposed him. I'd rather of him call me names like bitch, ugly runt, useless garbage, then have my innocence and womanhood stolen by strange, scary mean men.

Things began to worsen now that Lena was on her own. Drugs became more and more important to her. Feeding us, clothing us, housing us, all became last place in her life plan. I found myself doing transactions for Lena. She'd send me to someone's house with a bag of "spices" and I'd come home with hundreds of dollars in hand. I'd meet the scariest people. Men who'd want more than money when I came by. There were women who'd call me slut and whore when I came by because they were jealous of how their husbands or boyfriends would look at me. I didn't mind the women one bit, because as long as they were there I was safe from harm.

The rules in Lena's home were unorthodox to say the least. We couldn't smoke, do drugs or drink until we were twelve. My brothers and their friends never hesitated to give us younger kids alcohol. I only had a wine cooler once with them and it made me sick. I was eight.

Every time a new strange man came I became more and more desperate for John Sr. to come home. One day my dad's brother moved to Twin Falls with his wife Beth. They lived in the basement portion of our apartment. With him there things changed. Garry wasn't so abusive and men were scared to come near me or anyone else for that matter.

One night one of my mother's suppliers came to our house when she and my uncle were gone. He came in and my brothers were out with their friends drinking on Washington St. I was watching the little kids. He told me my mom would be home shortly after him. That's all he said and then he went into our kids bedroom and shut the door. Just as he promised Lena came home, but without my uncle. She gave me a hug and a kiss and called me "sweety". I knew right then that she wanted something. I figured another delivery/pick up, but she had something different in mind.

"LeAndra, sweety, could you go take a nap with Bobby? He's really tired and wants some company." Everything within me told me not too, but I did. I went and laid down in bed Bobby he pulled me close and fell asleep. Relieved I relaxed a little and let myself fall asleep too. I woke up to my pants loosened and his hand down stairs caressing me and his other hand touching his self. I froze. I couldn't move. I wanted to move so badly, but it seemed a presence was with Bobby holding me down so he could have his way. He didn't know I was awake so finally I mustered the courage to readjust and turn on my side, making his hand come out and away from me. That was a mistake. I had matured very early in life and age nine wore a size B bra. That quickly came unsnapped and he began to touch my chest. I just started to cry. I wanted to die right there and be somewhere safe...if there were such a place. I had heard of Heaven and it sounded magical...all I knew is you had to die to get there.

After he had reached his stopping point he got up and left. Once again I found myself sitting in the bathtub trying to clean myself off.

My Uncle came home and I ran into his arms and cried uncontrollably.

"Uncle Maurice!!! Bobby touched me!!! He touched me bad!!" was all I remember saying, over and over again. My uncle held me close and picked me up in his arms. He took my to Lena and had me tell her, but she was high on speed and once again was not able to help me. Uncle Maurice called the police and went after Bobby. He took Garry with him and together they beat him and left him helpless waiting for police to arrive.

Bobby threatened to stop providing for Lena if she pressed charges and took it to court...so he spent a week in jail and was let go. But Uncle Maurice stayed with us and kept Bobby away.

Douglas had gone with John Sr and apparently they had moved to Sun Valley. Lena went to pick up Doug and bring him home. I was so happy to have him back home. I was tired of being abused by men, my brothers and raising the kids alone. Doug would help.

When Doug came home things were better for awhile, but now as I recollect I recall him quickly getting into drugs and parties and gangs. Why was that everyone I depended on left me stranded? Where were those people that were suppose to care for me and love me and my family? I thought they were called mom and dad but obviously we had only ourselves.

One thing I began to think about more was Heaven. What and where was this place? What was it all about? Who was this man that lived there and supposedly loved me so much?

Christmas time came around again and I would turn nine. As always Lena found a church and that is where we'd get our gifts. However, this church was not going to stand to be used. They started to pick us up every Sunday for church. Lena quit attending after awhile. As the weeks went by she became less and less capable of leaving the house and holding a job because she was always stoned or hung over. But I made sure the kids and I kept going. I loved how everyone there cared for us and made us feel. I learned all about Heaven and who it was that lived there.

I also learned a new concept I had never imagined was possible. I could actually talk to that being named God. I could ask him for things and he'd give them to me. I couldn't ask for toys, but I could ask for hurt and hate to stop and for my family to be normal. When I got home from church after learning about prayer I knelt as far down as I could. With my face and hand burried in the carpet I asked God one simple question.

"Please bring Dad back. Please make my family normal." I got into bed and all I could do was wait. I couldn't take it if God let me down. If He did then surely I was doomed to a life of hurt and hate and would die a concrete angel. Once again I prayed and prayed hard.

"God please, please don't let me down."