Good Girl

Everything about living with John and his wife was horrible. They were very open about their intimate life and were always drinking and doing their drugs in front of us.  I can't get over how repulsing and immature their behavior was.  John was convinced that I was there to spy on him for Lena. His stepdaughter had invited me to "hang" with her in her room.  I had never been her room before and was amazed at how beautifully decorated it was. She had a gorgeous four poster queen size bed. Lush navy blue bed set with starts and moons, a design that carried onto her walls and ceiling. I couldn't quit looking around her room. She had everything any girl could have wanted.

Apparently Meghan thought I was "spying" and trying to find things to report back to Lena. She had told her mom and John Sr about this and they brought me into their room for a  private conversation. They asked me if Lena sent me to them to spy and tell her what went on in their house. I was really confused, because I was under the impression that John wanted me there. I later found out that Lena told the court she didn't want me. So John had no choice but to take custody of me.

I tried really hard to convince him that I wasn't and that I had no say in the matter. However they were not convinced and my punishment was to have my heat taken away.  I couldn't have heat in my room until I confessed. In the middle of winter, in Sun Valley, Idaho, is not a time one wants her heat turned off. One night I was so cold I couldn't fall asleep I was shivering so much that my whole body ached. I got up out of bed and turned my heat on just a little bit and lay on the floor next the heater.

I fell fast asleep but was shortly awaken by a dreadful shaking sensation.  I had welcomed the heat so much that I seemed to pass into another world in my sleep. For when I woke my heat was off , my clothes were off and my blankets off my bed and in their place was a t-shirt. I pulled it on and curled up in a baby ball on my bed, so cold it seemed my brain was too frozen to register what had taken place.

Now, as I am writing this, there is a storm raging outside my bedroom window, and I am sure it's freezing outside...I am overcome with gratitude for the heat keeping me warm.

~

John and his wife soon found a home in Carey, just an hour outside of Sun Valley, they hoped to buy. Carey was a very small town. K-12 all attended school in the same building only separated by a door.  Out of all the schools I attended there was something different about the students and teachers in Carey. The teachers were so nice and the students all accepted me.  I quickly made several friends (something that had never happened for me in previous schools).  I was in the fourth grade and my teacher Mrs. Cloud,  was the sweetest woman on earth. I adored her! Her name wasn't actually Mrs. Cloud. She was a bigger woman whose body shape resembled a cloud , at least to my ten year old mind.

I'd look forward to attending class every day because of her kindness.  There were several times I just wanted to curl up on her lap and have her hold me as I cried.  Those were the times John and Bridget were their worst towards me.  I had two "boy friends" in the fourth grade. They were twins, I believe their names were the Park brothers or something.  I sat between both of them in class and they had the hugest crush on me and I them. I learned that they couldn't date until they were sixteen so we made a pact that when we all turned sixteen we would date.  I remember thinking that was a really strange rule. I was ten and my father was already telling me if I ever wanted to have sex that I needed to talk to him first and use a condom.

I envied the lives of all my class mates. It seemed to me that they had the ideal life. They were all well mannered and seemed to glow everyday. I also quickly learned that they didn't swear, not even as much as the word "crap".  This was discovered one day at lunch time.  I didn't have a lunch packed and I was too embarrassed to go to the lunch room to ask for one. When it came time to eat with my friends, I sat down and said "Crap! I forgot my lunch!". A few of the girls gasped! However my friend Bonnie put her arm around me and said to the girls "It's okay, she doesn't know." She then explained to me how they didn't swear or use the Lord's name in vain (I had done that on occasion also). I respected these girls and from then on out I quit swearing, not even at home where it was permitted.

Although my school life was going great, my home life worsened as the season changed from fall to winter.   John and Lena were fighting more and more over us children and they were constantly shooting arrows at each other.  Lena would go to the judge and claim that John was abusing us and making us do drugs. John would call the judge and claim Lena was doing drugs and was using her rent money to pay for it. I was sick of the constant battling and no winning side. This wasn't helping my case either, as you may recall  John Sr, thought I was there under cover for Lena, divulging all his secrets and imperfections.

I walked in the house after school one day and there was a fire in John's eyes when I came through the door. He was mad about something and I knew his anger was directed towards me.  His wife had made oatmeal for breakfast that day and I have never like oatmeal, and so I didn't eat it. I chose to get the free breakfast they gave out at school.  apparently Bridget was "offended" I did not eat her meal. However, I knew that she could care less whether or not I ate it, she just loved John to get angry at me. He grabbed my arm and dragged me into the kitchen were the bowl of oatmeal was still sitting.  It was made at 7:00 am and it was now 4:00pm. It had been sitting out for nine hours and the milk that was inside of the bowl, was consumed by the meal and sour.

Bridget came out and she started the "conversation" (as were all our ordeals called). ( I do have to say, that, that morning I had told Bridget I liked the oatmeal, because I was deathly afraid of being smacked if I told her I didn't like it.) She stood her ground next to John matching his height. They reminded me of the Twin Towers, very intimidating, however  John and Bridget lacked the beauty and sophistication the towers once had. I feel to describe this scene best I need to divert to dialog for a moment.

"LeAndra, why didn't you eat your oatmeal this morning? Didn't you like it?" Bridget's tone sounded sweet and inquisitive but her face unveiled the lie her voice portrayed.
"I do like it." was all I could think of to say. I hated this mind game that was too often played, my tears and punishment the only objective .
"LeAndra, Bridget got up early this morning and made this meal. You're saying that you like it but you didn't take a damn bite. You just left it." John had his arm around Bridget now, a sad sign. A sign that it was all about her and nothing I said even mattered anymore, I was in for it.
"She lies all the time John, I"m sick of her lies and her shit." John's wife wasted no time moving on to picking on me.
"I"m not a liar you are!" I was surprised at the intensity in my voice. I realized right after I had yelled that it was a mistake. Before I could bat an eye John's hand came flying across my cheek bone and eye. Instantly tears filled my eyes, but I willed them not to fall.  I knew if they fell, John Sr would come back with another slap, in order to "give me something to cry about".
"No you are the liar LeAndra! Your'e just like Lena! You're a lying conniving little bitch!" His words seemed to sting more than the blows to my face. They were blows to my heart, spirit and self worth.  Those last six words quickly became his favorite and my downfall. What he did next was a mind game that hurt me so much I can't even begin to imagine why anyone would do such a thing to a child.

"You are. You know that?" He stared at me for a minute and I couldn't figure out whether or not he wanted an answer. He put his hands on his hips and said, "well?".
I lowered my eyes and barely whispered a meek "no".
"What?" His voice was sharp and merciless.
"Yes, I'm a liar." I could feel my heart race as if it were trying to escape the hurt it was about to face.
"What kind of liar? And don't give me no smart answers you little bitch." He was really warming up now.
"I'm a lying conniving little bitch." I couldn't hold them back anymore and the tears fell into my hands. Their warmth seemed to hold them as if saying I would be okay.

"Yes you are. When you were three years old, you went to your mom and told her "daddy made me lick my his peepee. Why did you lie about that? Why did you tell your mom that I touched you and hurt you?" My mind raced a million miles a minute. What was he doing?! He knows he did those things! He knows he hurt me until I cried! Why was he doing this to me! I was his daughter. I quickly realized how exhausted I was emotionally and was tired of his game.

"I didn't tell mom that." I said, looking down at the floor.
"She's lying John, I can tell." This was the first Bridget had said this whole time. She always came in right on cue and said the right things to get John going.
"Are you going to tell the truth?" He asked me stepping even closer to my face.
"I did tell the truth." Another hard slap to the face, this time causing my lip to bleed. I didn't want to give in to this one. I knew what had done to me, and I wasn't going to redact it just for his satisfaction.
"You will sit here and eat this whole bowl of oatmeal while I watch. If you try and make yourself sick in any way, or skip out on the last bite I'll bring out my belt and whip you." Bridget handed me a huge serving spoon and told me to "Enjoy".

And so I ate the whole bowl. It took me two hours, and John stayed true to his word. Anytime I so much as gagged he'd flick my ear from behind reminding me that he was there. I had to wait a half an hour after wards before I could go do anything, just in case I would attempt to throw it up. Trust me, I did not need to do any forcing it came up on it's own.

When I went to go to bed that night John stopped me at the stairs and handed me a pillow and throw blanket. I knew exactly where I was headed. Off of the dinning room there was a huge empty cement room. John called it the potato room. I called it the dungeon.  I spent many nights there and it was  in those walls my imagination really came to life. I would talk to myself and think up stories and after I was allowed back into my room, I'd write them down. That night though John assured me that I would no longer be going back to my room that the "dungeon" was my new room...for good. It was December and the room was freezing! I had never felt such cold in my life. I tried to escape into my own mind but the images of our earlier "conversation", kept my awake and shivering with anger and sorrow.

After two weeks had passed John and Bridget had "put up with enough crap" from my little brother Killkenny and me and were sending us home to Lena. Now, my brother John Jr had been sent back to Lena awhile back, but that was so he could "spy on Lena, like she was having me spy on John Sr".  The plan was for Lena to come and pick us up after school just before Christmas break. I looked forward to that moment everyday.

On the day we were to leave, Bridget took me into school and brought me into class. Holding me by the wrist she told all my classmates and teacher that I was a lying selfish girl. She said I was a slut and a bitch and that I never told the truth and I came home and told her how much I hated my friends and teachers and that I called them all bad names.  I was not expecting this and instantly I froze.  All this was a lie and I could tell my teacher knew. Bridget leaned down just before she left and whispered into my ear, "Now you know how it feels brat." And pinched my under arm so hard it drew blood.  I didn't know what to do.

At recess my teacher came over to me and gave me the biggest hug and took me out to the front desk. There stood a few other of my teachers and the principle. She talked to them for a brief moment, and when they all looked at me there was a compassion and a sorrow in their eyes. And then my friends all came in and took me out to play.  I soon forgot about what had happened and was caught of in the best school day I ever had.

When the day came to a close Killkenny and I were summoned to the front desk. Lena had just called and was five minutes away. They handed Killkenny a shinny Christmas package which he opened with delight. It was a nerf football. They handed me two gifts. One was for Christmas and inside was a scarf and gloves. The second gift was for my birthday and they told me not to open it until I was on the road. After Lena had came and picked us up and after we had finished conversing I opened my gift. Inside it was a purse filled with treats and jewelry. The most important part though was a card. It stated that I was a beautiful daughter of God and he loves me dearly. I had a sweet spirit that was honest and true. It expressed how much they'd all miss me and what a joy I was to have in their school. It ended with a simple "You're a good girl LeAndra."

For the first time in years I truly felt real love.  The warmth inside of me was more than I could handle and I found myself crying as I realized I was driving further and further away from people who loved me. I held onto one thing though, the one thing that would get me through the trials yet to come my way. After being molested, delivering drugs for Lena, or being picked on by other children I'd whisper five simple words to myself.

"You're a good girl LeAndra. You're a good girl"

The Custody Battle

Like I said John Sr. couldn't have picked a better time to come back. After he left, she sat us all down to discuss what had taken place. There would be a court hearing to see who would get custody of what children. Custody battles are horrible! It's an almost like child auction. I never want to put my children through it, if I can help it. 


John and his wife came over once again but to "examine the children".  They wanted to see which ones they wanted. Lena told John Sr. he could take John Jr, Killkenny, and me. John agreed that he'd take us three back to Sun Valley with him until the hearing in January. Well it was July. That was a full six months. John and his wife left and would be back after a couple hours to pick us up. 


With every article of clothing I packed the more and more I remembered that dreadful morning when John Sr hurt me.  A fear, words could never describe, began to bloom in the pit of my stomach. I didn't want to go. When it came time for John and Bridget (his wife) to pick us up I faked sick. My brothers kept trying to get me to go but I insisted that I stay. Finally John Sr got so frustrated he left me. I was so relieved. What was  I thinking?! Why would I ever want to live with that awful evil man again? 


Well summer came and went and soon school started back up again. I hated going to school because I always felt so stupid compared to the rest of the class. The only real thing I looked forward too was recess and teather ball. I may not have been able to spell every word right, do my 6o in a minute or color inside the lines but boy could I teather that ball! I was the play ground champion! I even beat the tallest of kids! 


Other kids would ask me how I won every single time, or how I'd beat the older kids also.  I told them I didn't know. But honestly that ball was my therapy. I'd imagine every person that had ever hurt me and just hit and hit until the ball quit coming back my way and was wrapped tight around that pole. I can't recall how many bloody noses I accidentally gave kids because of how hard I was hitting the ball.  When I'd go home with a "paw note" (given out to misbehaving children) I'd sign Lena's name and bring it back the next day. I never did it on purpose but the kids always played it out like I did.  


I wanted so badly to have friends! I wanted to prove to the other children and my teachers that I WAS a good girl! One night I went into Lena's room and found a speed pen (a hollowed out pen used to do speed) and a bag of pot. I hid them under my pillow that night when I went to bed and had big plans for the following day. 


My plan was to take the drugs and go to school with them. I was going to turn them into my teacher and tell on my mom, step dad, and brothers.  I felt so powerful walking to school that morning. With each step I grew excited and anxious. As I rounded the corner of the power plant, just a block away from my destination, an overwhelming presence or feeling stopped me in my tracks.  Without giving it a second thought I found a rock and buried the drugs underneath the heavy stone and dirt. On my way home from school I checked the rock and the stash was missing. 


Looking back, I did not know what stopped me or why that day, but now I know what stopped me. The spirit of God stopped me. Someone was following me that morning, someone knew I had those drugs and had intended me harm. Again, evidence that there was a heavenly being protecting me, slipped right under my nose. 


A few weeks after, a phone call from John Sr came, saying he was going to come and pick me up. Lena told me I had to go. John was my dad and I had no choice. Sure enough two weeks later I found myself at John's home. I was surprised to see how nice it was. His wife was an interior decorator and it was evident she was good at what she did. They took me to my room. I felt like a princess!


The room was an eggshell white with pink trim. It had a full bed with a thick white comforter that shined with pink sequences. When the sun hit the plastic jewels just right, they seemed to dance across the wall of my room. There were several pillows on my bed each with their own decorative sham that screamed royalty! The frame was a rustic white head and foot board with flowers and leaves that intertwined. The whole get up reminded me of Cinderella's coach. I never knew how easily a nervous and sick stomach could be bribed away with material things. 


My brothers' room was in the attic and it amazed me even more. John Jr's side was adorned with airplanes and posters of jets.  His bed was a queen and had a lush camouflage quilt. Killkenny's side had rocket ships and planets floating above and all around his bed and dresser. They each had four or five model cars and planes. Their room was every boy's dream. 


All this distracted me for just a short time. It didn't take long before I realized that I was with John Sr. and that he was a dangerous man. Christmas with John Sr came and went and January was fast approaching. He and his wife were still super nice and seemed to be safe during this time.  Bridget even taught me how to shave my legs. I was ten. 


January was fast approaching and I suddenly remembered the custody battle was too. The week of I told John Sr and his wife that I wanted to go home when they left. I wanted to be with my mom. I didn't want stay any longer. They tried for hours to talk me out of it but I only fought more. Finally John told me that after the hearing they'd come back and get me to go home. That way  I would have time to pack all my things. 


A few days later they left for Twin Falls for the hearing. I spent all morning trying to pack my things but my step-sister kept distracting me with things. She wouldn't let me. Fed up, I started yelling at her and we got in a huge fight. I screamed and cried and lashed out trying to hit her out of my way. We only stopped a second to answer a phone call. It was John Sr with the news from the hearing...he had custody of Killkenny, John and me. My world stopped in that instance. I was dumbfounded and silent. What had just happened? I was just signed off to John Sr with no choice in the matter.  Didn't anyone care that he had hurt me?! 


I snapped out of my trance and screaming ran to my room stuffing what ever I could into bags and boxes. Meghan (my stepsister) did nothing to stop me this time. That was the plan. She was to distract me all day until John called with the news. I hated her. I hated him. I wanted out. I screamed and cried and packed all of my belongings. I needed someone to rescue me, but no one knew I needed rescuing. 


When John and Bridget arrived home that night I was still furious. However, I had worn myself out. All I could do was sit on my bed and cry.  When John and his wife came to my bedroom door the look I gave them said it all; I hate you.


John came in and quickly and briskly slapped me across the face and told me to cut my shit out. I was too tired and worn out to care or even feel the sting. But that night, when I was alone in the dark of my room a tear stole furtively down my cheek as I realized the honeymoon was over, and this is how I'd be treated the rest of my days with John Sr. I did the only thing I knew would bring me comfort. Kneeling on the cold floor of my room I prayed to my God. 

"God, please save me. I'm so scared."

Chapter 3

Through out my life I have found that God has his own way of answering prayers...and most times it's not what we expected. John Sr. did make his way back to us. But with a wife and step daughter. I was walking home from school with my siblings and we were followed by a white car who beat us to our driveway. A tall bald man and a shorter heavy woman approached the door. 

When I got to the front step I knew exactly who it was. John Sr had come home. He talked to Lena for awhile and I tried to talk to him but she ushered me inside and wouldn't let me out. So I stood behind her listening the whole time. Finally a fourteen-year-old girl got of the car. John Sr. introduced her as his daughter. Instantly I was red with jealous rage. She wasn't even his biological daughter! I wanted even more to go live with him now. They talked to more and then John's crew left. 

I remember thinking he couldn't have come at a better time. The abuse and wild life Lena created for me became more and more dangerous with each passing day. 

Still till this day I haven't had the chance to tell Lena this story. She had me do a delivery for her one evening. When I got to the man's house he was really high and disillusional. His wife and daughter and blind son BJ were not at home. I gave him the white envelope of "spices" and before he'd give me the money and let me leave I had to watch him smoke it, just in case it was bad dope. The man was already hitting at things in the air and paranoid that there was a killer in his house. 

He got through one joint and handed me the cash. I thought I was free to go but as he handed me the wad his face turned velvet red. He grabbed me by the arm and started yelling at me and shaking me. He called me a liar and a cheater.  Apparently he thought I was his wife. The man kept telling me that I was his and no one else's and he caught me sleeping with other men. 

I struggled and cried and tried to break free but his hands were huge and caged in my paper thin arms. He didn't like me struggling so to stop me, he pulled back and slapped me hard in the face. He let go of my arm and used that same hand to do it. I bolted I ran to the door and next thing I knew I was face down in the pavement. He'd kicked me in the back and told me that he was going to leave me. I held the cash tight and ran as fast as I could for home. I threw the cash in Lena's room and went to mine to cry myself to sleep. 

CHAPTER 2 PART 2

The next morning when I woke up there were boxes adorning our living room. As I ventured around the house I saw more and more boxes filled with our belongings. I found Lena packing up our bedroom. I asked her what was going on and she told me that we were moving to Twin Falls (another city in Idaho, about two hours away from Boise). I continued to probe asking her questions like why and where were we going to live there? She then proceeded to tell me that we bought a big house and dad got a new job that made lots of money. She talked to me as though I was seven...and I was but as stated before I felt ten times older.

Douglas came back in our truck and handed Lena a huge envelope of cash. I had never seen so much money before and with our move I saw and handled cash like that quite often. After everything was packed, Lena loaded us all into my Uncle's Bronco. Just before she got in John Sr pulled up in his Ford. He'd been at work all day and came home early. Taking in the scene before him he had that look...that red faced look which said he was ready to fight. Lena walked over and they began to yell at each other with a hateful passion I still do not comprehend.

Lena got in the front seat. Bonnie, my dear red headed sister, asked if her daddy would be coming. Lena assured her that he would meet us there. She could not see, but my eyes shot spears of anger at Lena, hoping that they'd pierce her in some way.

The big house Lena told me about was called The Valley House; a shelter for battered and abused women. With her she brought Chris, John Jr. me, Bonnie, Killkenny, Maurice and Logan, Douglas stayed with John Sr. I was furious that she had lied to BonBon. When we were all unpacked the first thing my sister did was go sit out on the front step to wait for dad to show up. I listened to Lena lie about my brother Chris's age. Boys over twelve were not allowed to stay at The Valley House. So, Lena lied and said that he was twelve, not thirteen. All the lies were beginning to really bother me.

Later that night, I heard Lena on the phone with John Sr. She told him "you wouldn't believe the lies had to tell to get into this place!". She heard me coming and quickly hung up the phone. I couldn't take it anymore I blew at her.

"Why do you keep lying?!!? I hate it!!! You lied to me about the house, you lied to Bonnie about dad and you lied to get in here!!! I hate it when you lie! Can't you tell the truth? Bon Bon sat on the front porch all day until she was called in for bed because she thought dad was going to come! I hate you Lena! I freaking hate you!"

I stormed upstairs and went to bed. A few hours later Lena came up and sat on my bed. Stroking my hair she promised me that she'd quit lying and change her life...sadly I knew that promise was also a lie.

It did not take long before we were kicked out of the shelter. They had a three strikes and you're out policy. The first strike was Killkenny getting into paint and painting doors and breaking doorknobs. The second strike was Lena and her friend leaving me alone to watch my four younger siblings and her friends two twin babies. More things got painted and broken that day too. The third strike was Lena leaving us there by ourselves overnight because she had gotten high on drugs and couldn't come home that night.

We quickly found a house, turned apartment on 469 Van Burne Street just two blocks from Harrison Elementary. Lena met a man named Garry and he and his sons moved in with us. Gary was very abusive and hated us kids with a passion.

His sons were very rude and bullied me quite often, but I knew it was because of their dad. His son Zayne backed talked Garry and he bashed Zayne's head through a fish tank. He had to go get stitches from his cheek bone, to his ear, and on to his head.

When Garry moved in I started to miss John Sr. I would cry for him every night and get mad at Lena for leaving him. All these strange men were coming into our house and would find their way to me every time. I felt safe around John Sr. He only hurt me with his words after I exposed him. I'd rather of him call me names like bitch, ugly runt, useless garbage, then have my innocence and womanhood stolen by strange, scary mean men.

Things began to worsen now that Lena was on her own. Drugs became more and more important to her. Feeding us, clothing us, housing us, all became last place in her life plan. I found myself doing transactions for Lena. She'd send me to someone's house with a bag of "spices" and I'd come home with hundreds of dollars in hand. I'd meet the scariest people. Men who'd want more than money when I came by. There were women who'd call me slut and whore when I came by because they were jealous of how their husbands or boyfriends would look at me. I didn't mind the women one bit, because as long as they were there I was safe from harm.

The rules in Lena's home were unorthodox to say the least. We couldn't smoke, do drugs or drink until we were twelve. My brothers and their friends never hesitated to give us younger kids alcohol. I only had a wine cooler once with them and it made me sick. I was eight.

Every time a new strange man came I became more and more desperate for John Sr. to come home. One day my dad's brother moved to Twin Falls with his wife Beth. They lived in the basement portion of our apartment. With him there things changed. Garry wasn't so abusive and men were scared to come near me or anyone else for that matter.

One night one of my mother's suppliers came to our house when she and my uncle were gone. He came in and my brothers were out with their friends drinking on Washington St. I was watching the little kids. He told me my mom would be home shortly after him. That's all he said and then he went into our kids bedroom and shut the door. Just as he promised Lena came home, but without my uncle. She gave me a hug and a kiss and called me "sweety". I knew right then that she wanted something. I figured another delivery/pick up, but she had something different in mind.

"LeAndra, sweety, could you go take a nap with Bobby? He's really tired and wants some company." Everything within me told me not too, but I did. I went and laid down in bed Bobby he pulled me close and fell asleep. Relieved I relaxed a little and let myself fall asleep too. I woke up to my pants loosened and his hand down stairs caressing me and his other hand touching his self. I froze. I couldn't move. I wanted to move so badly, but it seemed a presence was with Bobby holding me down so he could have his way. He didn't know I was awake so finally I mustered the courage to readjust and turn on my side, making his hand come out and away from me. That was a mistake. I had matured very early in life and age nine wore a size B bra. That quickly came unsnapped and he began to touch my chest. I just started to cry. I wanted to die right there and be somewhere safe...if there were such a place. I had heard of Heaven and it sounded magical...all I knew is you had to die to get there.

After he had reached his stopping point he got up and left. Once again I found myself sitting in the bathtub trying to clean myself off.

My Uncle came home and I ran into his arms and cried uncontrollably.

"Uncle Maurice!!! Bobby touched me!!! He touched me bad!!" was all I remember saying, over and over again. My uncle held me close and picked me up in his arms. He took my to Lena and had me tell her, but she was high on speed and once again was not able to help me. Uncle Maurice called the police and went after Bobby. He took Garry with him and together they beat him and left him helpless waiting for police to arrive.

Bobby threatened to stop providing for Lena if she pressed charges and took it to court...so he spent a week in jail and was let go. But Uncle Maurice stayed with us and kept Bobby away.

Douglas had gone with John Sr and apparently they had moved to Sun Valley. Lena went to pick up Doug and bring him home. I was so happy to have him back home. I was tired of being abused by men, my brothers and raising the kids alone. Doug would help.

When Doug came home things were better for awhile, but now as I recollect I recall him quickly getting into drugs and parties and gangs. Why was that everyone I depended on left me stranded? Where were those people that were suppose to care for me and love me and my family? I thought they were called mom and dad but obviously we had only ourselves.

One thing I began to think about more was Heaven. What and where was this place? What was it all about? Who was this man that lived there and supposedly loved me so much?

Christmas time came around again and I would turn nine. As always Lena found a church and that is where we'd get our gifts. However, this church was not going to stand to be used. They started to pick us up every Sunday for church. Lena quit attending after awhile. As the weeks went by she became less and less capable of leaving the house and holding a job because she was always stoned or hung over. But I made sure the kids and I kept going. I loved how everyone there cared for us and made us feel. I learned all about Heaven and who it was that lived there.

I also learned a new concept I had never imagined was possible. I could actually talk to that being named God. I could ask him for things and he'd give them to me. I couldn't ask for toys, but I could ask for hurt and hate to stop and for my family to be normal. When I got home from church after learning about prayer I knelt as far down as I could. With my face and hand burried in the carpet I asked God one simple question.

"Please bring Dad back. Please make my family normal." I got into bed and all I could do was wait. I couldn't take it if God let me down. If He did then surely I was doomed to a life of hurt and hate and would die a concrete angel. Once again I prayed and prayed hard.

"God please, please don't let me down."

CHAPTER 2

Fourteen years have passed since that sweet day and I am now a wife and mother. As I sit on my hand-me-down- love seat, watching my dear Abigail sleep, I realize what it means to be a child. To be a child means innocence and complete dependence on mom and dad.

Twenty years ago I was her; a fragile beautiful being, whose very survival laid in the hands of my creators. I don't remember my infancy, but judging by Child Protection Services reports, I spent more time in a crib rather than in the arms of my mother or father. I could say that I have no idea how I survived through my infancy and childhood but that would be false. I had a Mother and Father in heaven protecting me and sending their angels to love and watch over me.

However, there is so much guardian angels can do when people have their own free agency. That day in the snow was a magical day, filled with a glimmer of hope that life was always going to be pure and joyful. I am certain Heavenly Father orchestrated that cold winter day, letting the warmth of his angels kiss our souls.

That fierce cool day was the last warm winter we'd have for years to come.

I was seven that year after the snow finally melted and blue birds came to cheer on spring (it seemed their very tunes made the roses bloom). After Christmas came and went John Sr. and Lena began to pull even further apart. The drank more, smoked more and seemed to be fighting more. On nights when they'd rage war against each other, I'd imagine I was flying away on the back of a sparrow just as Thumbelina. Sadly, I also knew that things like that only happened in movies and would never happen. Oh! How I wished I had the innocence I was born with; completely oblivious to the horrors unfolding daily in my life. Even though I was seven and barely tall enough to reach the cupboards, I felt and acted twenty-two and 5'8". For some reason my parents never seemed taller than me, maybe it was because they acted just like children.

I recall a day when I thought my world was coming to a swift end. Lena was gone all morning and part of the afternoon. So it was just us kids and John Sr. I hated being alone with him, for fear of being hurt again, as I was four years earlier. So I spent the day hiding behind the love seat, which was situated next to the door and in front of a huge window. While Lena was gone a loud brisk knock came to the door. John Sr. reluctantly raised from the TV show he was watching to answer the door.

Standing on our porch was a police officer and Gary, the local grocery mart owner (I knew him well from many trips to buy food for my stoned parents who had a severe case of the munchies).

The officer asked if he could see Lena and John informed him that she was not home and did not know when she would be back. Gary, proceeded to tell John how Lena stole a whole carton of cigarettes and even when he confronted her, she lied and left before police could arrive. The officer instructed John Sr. to call as soon as Lena came home.

Late that afternoon Lena came through the door and the kids were sent to their rooms by John (a family tradition that took place whenever a fight was about to break out). I missed the command to leave the room because I had fallen asleep behind my safe place. I woke up to John Sr yelling at Lena, calling her so many awful names. I knew, by the slur of his speech, he was drunk and belligerent. I couldn't understand how people in "love" could treat each other that way. On the other hand, I could not understand how a loving father would molest his three-year-old daughter. Nor, how her mother chose to keep him and leave the little girl to protect herself.

As I listened to them fight I remembered thinking that I NEVER wanted to fall in love.

The more they fought the more salty water trickled down my cheeks and my body shook with silent sobs. John Sr. shouted at Lena telling her was a horrible mother and set "unchristian" examples for her children ( I guess drinking, using drugs and abuse was good parenting....but Lord! save the person who stole cigarettes!). Lena shot back at him and said that he could "raise the damn kids then!". Lena stormed out of the house and John went to his room to smoke pot and get even more wasted.

I jumped up and ran out the door for my mother but she had gone. I went back in and yelling and hitting the window pleaded for her to come back! Even though she ignored me most of the time and and abandoned me when I needed her most, I loved her and wanted her there. I didn't want her to leave me alone with John Sr. I thought about running away, but who would protect the other children from John?

I switched to the couch where I cried myself to sleep. I woke up hours later looking at the black night and moon shedding light on me through the big window. I felt something stir within me that night...change was on it's way.