Christmas was fast approaching and I was worried about what I would get the children. I worked for Allan still but that money was needed for groceries. I'm sure Lena would have found a church but I wanted my kids to have gifts from someone who knew them and cared for them.
Going to work one day Allan could tell something was troubling my soon to be eleven-year-old mind. He asked me what was making my "brown eyes blue." I told him my concerns for Christmas and I watched his eyes light up. Allan was such giving and loving person. He had several grandchildren he never got to see and this was a real treat for him. He told me first things first he needed to get me a coat. My cherry red bare ears, cheeks, arms and neck must have been a dead giveaway that I did not have one. He took me to JCPenny and me a nice heavy gold down coat. It was Mary Kate and Ashley and I felt cooler than ever in it! After he bought me the coat he took me home and told me he'd pick me up the next day after school.
True to his word Allan came and picked me up at home. We drove a little ways down Bluelakes to Kmart. Once we got inside Allan handed me a one hundred dollar bill! He told me that he couldn't buy his grandchildren Christmas and so he'd buy us Christmas! I took the money and bargained shopped. I bought each of the children two gifts. I remember I bought Bonnie a set of pink and blue lava lamps and a jewelry box. I bought Killkenny a light up Nerf football and a Nerf water gun. Maurice I bought him a magic set and action figure. Logan I bought him a G.I. Joe figure. It came with two uniforms with guns and shoes to match and a few army men. I also got him a bunch of army men and a jeep. I used up every penny of that money for their Christmas.
Allan took me back to his apartment and there I wrapped each present and hid them in his closet. He would bring them by Christmas morning. There are times when I know with out a doubt that God sent Allan for us children.
~
Chuck still lived with us. I hated him with a fiery passion comparable to the hate Satan has for God's faithful children. Every night before bed he'd come in to say "good night". These visits were him kissing my cheeks and telling me how perfect my body was and how much he loved me and couldn't wait to be with me.
Christmas Eve Chuck came into my room yet again. On the eve of my birthday you'd think he'd leave me alone. He lay next to me tracing my figure telling me how it was shaped just right and if I learned to use it right it'd make me great money. He whispered into my ear nasty and vulgar details of what he wanted to do with me. I felt something slip into my hands. It was a one hundred dollar bill. Chuck turned me on my back and told me that he'd be my first customer. I was crying by now and asked him not to touch me that I didn't want to do those things with him. He told me that since he paid me I had to. So I threw the money at him. This infuriated Chuck and he punched me hard in the rib cage. I had never felt a blow so hard. Immediately I threw up all over him and myself. Angry and soiled in throw up Chuck got up, kicked my side and left the room.
I hurt too bad to move and just cried. Lena must have heard Chuck go back to his room. She sleepily came in and saw that I had puke all over me and assumed that I had just gotten sick. She told me to get up and go to the bathroom and clean up and she would get me a new blanket. I came and laid back down on the floor too sore and tired to want to even cry. Christmas morning came and I had to go to Allan's. At some point in the night I had moved to the bed on the floor and my little brother was asleep where I was. I don't know when this exchange took place, and it break my heart that he might have witnessed what happened and gave up his bed for me.
I missed the opening up of gifts because I couldn't get out of bed. My rib cage hurt too bad. So my birthday celebration was brought to me. A new years cake with a giant 2003 candle was my eleventh birthday cake. I didn't have the energy to be happy. I blew out the candle and fell asleep right afterwards. I woke up hours later around 3:00 pm and decided I needed to get the kid's gifts. I walked to Allan's about three miles away and each step seemed to kill me.
When I reached Allan's I picked up all the gifts and set them on the bed. I quickly counted them all. Eight, neatly wrapped Christmas gifts in sparkling snowflake paper. A glimmer shone in my eyes and in my heart, a glimmer of happiness. I was excited for the children to open these! I told Allan I was sick that morning and that was why I was late. He tossed me his keys and told me to load the presents in his car. I came back up and told me we were all set. Looking at me funny he asked if I had gotten everything. I said yes. He said he thought there were nine not eight. I assured him I only bought two presents for each of the four little ones. A warm grandpa smile spread from ear to ear on Allan. "Then what's that one, there under the microwave?"
Under the microwave was a square box wrapped in tons of blue plastic grocery bags. I picked it up and on top was my name!
Months before Allan had received a catalog in the mail and in it was a boom-box. A little round blue boom-box that I squealed over! I told Allan how I never had a one of my own. How I had to ask my brothers to use theirs but they would always tease me and make me do stupid stuff in front of their friends for me to use it. Allan merely laughed and said that the last thing I needed was a boom-box (I was loud enough apparently).
Opening the gift I was surprised to find that same little blue CD player (boom-box). Tears filled my eyes and I hugged Allan as tight as my little arms would allow. I have never received a gift that held such meaning to me. His gift showed me that he truly loved my family and that he wanted to help us, even if it meant giving me the one gift I was sure not to get from anyone else.
The next morning as I soaked in the bathtub I examined the bruises on my side thinking that they weren't as bad as the bruises left on my spirit. I swore to myself that I would be better then the life I was living now. In our neighbor's window she had a picture of a woman in a blue gown holding a beautiful baby wrapped in swaddling clothes. I wanted to be like that woman. She seemed so loving and full of grace. Now I know that woman was Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ. A woman with such perfect love and such a meek spirit that God would chose her to carry His Only Begotten. One day he'd let me carry one of his children and raise him/her. Then I would show the world that I was a good girl and I could accomplish great things!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Winds of Change
Moving back in with Lena was hard. She was living in a one bedroom hotel room that only had one bed. Most of us had to sleep on the floor and Lena and the youngest slept on the bed. There were seven of us living in the room. Just down the hall from us was a man named Allan F. Conor. He was a war veteran who was living in room 210. Allan was the "grandfather" of the Super 7 children. His kind heart and compassion for us was what we needed. He let me work for him by keeping his hotel room clean. I use to bring Logan with me every time and he and Allan would play together until I was finished.
Allan was more than generous with my pay. He had three walls he'd pay my fourty dollars a wall to wash them. With that money I could buy groceries for my family. I never had shoes that fit me and Logan never had shoes he could keep tied. Whenever Payless Shoes had a sale he'd take us to buy a new pair of shoes. Allan's back couldn't take having to bed over and tie Logan's shoes over and over again so he bought Logan a pair of Velcro straps that lit up when he walked. And he bought me shoes that fit. It was in Payless Shoes that I bought my first pair of high heels and ever since I can't get enough of them!
I use to have a hard time getting Logan to eat his vegetables and Allan had a wonderfully bright idea. He knew how much my little brother loved Sonic the Hedgehog and Allan convinced Logan that if he ate his veggies that Logan would be able to run as fast as Sonic! After dinner from then on out Logan would put on his light up shoes and run as fast as he could around the parking lot. I would barely jog behind him acting like I was running as fast as I could.Our race would end with him running into my arms laughing and giggling in his triumph. Logan's laughter caused a filling of hope to ripple through my heart like a pebble tossed in a lake.
~
CPS soon caught wind that Lena was trying to house all of us in that one bedroom hotel room. Lena found a garage turned house for rent. It had three bedrooms and a living room, with an extremely small kitchen. This house was on Locust Street just down from the 7Eleven. The school we attended was Bickel Elementary.
I hated going to school more than anything. I had no friends and was constantly being picked on. Lena would take Bonnie and I to the Salvation Army where we would rip open donation bags and search for clothes. There was this group of girls and boys who were especially rude to my sister and me. And once Bonnie wore a shirt to school that use to belong to one of those girls. Her name was even on the tag. It just so happened that a shirt we scoured from the donation drop off use to be Rachell's. Rachell cornered Bonnie in the bathroom that morning and teased her viciously and forced Bonnie to take the shirt of and give it to her. All Bonnie had to wear was her zip up sweater. Bonnie came crying to me and instantly I was red with anger.
I walked up to Rachell and her friends to chew them a new one. When I got to them they all just stared at me. And one of the girls, Courtney, leaned into my face and peered at a pimple on my forehead.She started to laugh and made a big commotion about how gross it was and soon several other fifth graders were joining in on the laugh. Nothing so small had ever made me cry before, but I could not control the tears that came streaming down my face. When recess ended instead of going back to class I went home. Lena wouldn't be there anyway so I could watch TV.
School got so bad for all of us kids, I would get up an hour early and set the alarm clock back by two hours. Most mornings Lena didn't even want to try and get us up after sleeping in three or four hours late. She wasn't the mother after all, I was. Whenever there was a problem with one of the kids I was called to the office. When we first moved to Locust St, Logan was barely starting first grade. We took him to class and it wasn't Lena but me he cried for. He held on to me so tight not wanting me to leave. I told his teacher where she could find me if she needed me. It was so heart breaking to walk away listening to him crying my name.
Once I was called to the office and in my stomach I had a feeling it was about Killkenny. Sure enough when I arrived to the office the secretary told me that he had ditched school after morning recess. I left school and went looking for him. I found him and Maurice hiding on top of the house. I couldn't figure out why they were hiding up there but soon the sound of fire engines told it all. They had broken into a man's shop while he was on vacation and started playing with a lighter and some WD40. A flame burst out of control and set to fire the shop. Killkenny had to bust a window (cutting his hands) to free him and Maurice. They ran home and hid on top of the roof waiting for everything to blow over. The poor man came home from is vacation to a burned house and shop.
This type of behavior became worse as Lena became less of a mother. The boys were ditching school more and more and I was having to find work every where. Our food stamps were being used to buy our older brothers junk food so they could "babysit" us children. It was I that did the sitting. I would make everyone dinner with what we had. Because Lena used the stamps on junk food I had to create meals. I invented the Dorito Burrito . This was beef and Dorito chips rolled into a cooked tortilla. I had no concept of what was healthy for kids. Looking back now, I find I beat myself up for being a bad "mother". I was only ten, I wish today that then winning a game of hop scotch was my only worry.
~
Our school was participating in one of those money drives where you take home a catalog and try to sell as much candy or nicnaks you can to earn points for your school. I never participated in those because I just wasn't a child anyone would look at and say, "How cute! Oh I just have to buy from her!".
One of the girls in my grade had up to $750.00 worth of money in an envelope to turn in the final day. In elementary school we would switch teachers for different subjects and I would sit in this young ladies desk for science. After science ended we went back to our original classrooms. Not soon after we had switched back my science teacher came in and started whispering to my regular teacher. She looked at me and motioned for me to come up front. All three of us went out into the hallway and for some reason my heart fell right past my stomach to my toes. Again this is a scene better left to dialogue.
"LeAndra, Ashely had an envelope of money and checks in her desk before you came into my classroom and after you left it was gone. Do you have any idea what could have happened to it?" She looked at me as if she already knew I had the money.
"No, I don't know. I didn't even know there was any there." I could feel my body shaking. Why was I shaking so much? I wasn't guilty. This was a response I had learned from living with John Sr. All his mind games where about me feeling guilty and bad even when I wasn't at fault.
"I think you're lying LeAndra, both of us, meaning your teacher and I, feel that you have that money." I could tell by the conviction in her voice and in her eyes that my teacher agreed. I thought this over in my head. Ashely was a clean girl. Her hair was always nicely up in a tight ponytail. She had the best clothes and her smile screamed angel! I was a dingy, scrawny girl with greasy hair who had years of hardship etched into my face making my smile crooked and dull. How could they believe me?
"I didn't take the money, I swear it!" Tears were streaming down my face as my hands shook fiercely. The look the teachers gave me made me cry even harder. I just wanted to yell, "I'M NOT A BAD GIRL! I'M NOT A BAD GIRL!" But I knew that wouldn't get me anywhere. My teacher told me to go back to my desk.
I walked in and every eye was on me. A few if Ashley's friends saw my tears and sneered at me. We had to switch classes one more time for math. Again I sat in Ashely's desk and peered in it to see if maybe she just over looked the envelope but it was not there. I looked around the room eying any possible suspects. Two boys ,who were good friends with Ashley, stared at me, their looks sending chills down my spine.
After math Ashley's teacher came into our class room and announced Ashley's envelope had been returned. Looking at me she handed my teacher a note. When I received the note it stated that I needed to stay after school. I tried to explain to my two teachers that I never took the cash and I never put it back. I even explained how I looked in her desk to see if it got pushed to the back. My testimony was all lies as far as these two women were concerned. They let me off the hook because I "had returned the money". Leaving the school building I wanted so badly to run, run as fast, far and hard as I could until my feet gave out.
As soon as I left the boundaries of the school yard and onto the sidewalk Ashley, her two friends, and two boy friends rode their bikes slowly behind me. They would speed up every now and then to ram my legs with their tires. I tried running but the two boys would ride faster and get in front of me. I finally stopped and told Ashely I wasn't the one who took her money. I wouldn't cry. I was tougher than that. Ashely looked me dead in the eye and said. "I know dirty slut I did. I took it with me to your class and put it back after math." I wished I had had the courage to run back to school and tell my teacher!
The kids closed in on me ramming me with their bikes, calling me names and hitting me. When my house was within eyesight I ran as hard and fast as I could. Once I got inside the fence and into the privacy of my room I cried so hard I began to have trouble breathing. I couldn't take anymore!
Lena came home and knocked on my door. I thought she was coming in to ask what was wrong but instead she had a tall gangling man standing next to her. "LeAndra sweet heart, Chuck needs your girls' room. He's going to be living with us for awhile." The way Chuck looked at me with evil lust in his eyes made me lash out. I started to scream and cry even harder telling my mother that there was no way in hell he was getting our room. However that night, I found myself sleeping on the floor in the boys bedroom with no blanket or pillow, while Chuck used mine.
As I write this I am shocked at the tears streaming down my face. How can children be so cruel! How can a mother be so selfish and black hearted? My baby girl is asleep on my lap and my tears are hitting her head. Those tears aren't just for me but for the thousands of children around the world and in our very own country who are hurting like I once did. The burning in my heart tells me that my daughter will never have that problem. As God as my witness I will be the mother I never had.
~
That same night my tears and heartache were prayer enough to Heavenly Father. I felt a warm sensation seem to hug me and pull me close until I fell asleep. As I drifted off a distinct feeling came to me that change, GOOD change was about to happen.
Allan was more than generous with my pay. He had three walls he'd pay my fourty dollars a wall to wash them. With that money I could buy groceries for my family. I never had shoes that fit me and Logan never had shoes he could keep tied. Whenever Payless Shoes had a sale he'd take us to buy a new pair of shoes. Allan's back couldn't take having to bed over and tie Logan's shoes over and over again so he bought Logan a pair of Velcro straps that lit up when he walked. And he bought me shoes that fit. It was in Payless Shoes that I bought my first pair of high heels and ever since I can't get enough of them!
I use to have a hard time getting Logan to eat his vegetables and Allan had a wonderfully bright idea. He knew how much my little brother loved Sonic the Hedgehog and Allan convinced Logan that if he ate his veggies that Logan would be able to run as fast as Sonic! After dinner from then on out Logan would put on his light up shoes and run as fast as he could around the parking lot. I would barely jog behind him acting like I was running as fast as I could.Our race would end with him running into my arms laughing and giggling in his triumph. Logan's laughter caused a filling of hope to ripple through my heart like a pebble tossed in a lake.
~
CPS soon caught wind that Lena was trying to house all of us in that one bedroom hotel room. Lena found a garage turned house for rent. It had three bedrooms and a living room, with an extremely small kitchen. This house was on Locust Street just down from the 7Eleven. The school we attended was Bickel Elementary.
I hated going to school more than anything. I had no friends and was constantly being picked on. Lena would take Bonnie and I to the Salvation Army where we would rip open donation bags and search for clothes. There was this group of girls and boys who were especially rude to my sister and me. And once Bonnie wore a shirt to school that use to belong to one of those girls. Her name was even on the tag. It just so happened that a shirt we scoured from the donation drop off use to be Rachell's. Rachell cornered Bonnie in the bathroom that morning and teased her viciously and forced Bonnie to take the shirt of and give it to her. All Bonnie had to wear was her zip up sweater. Bonnie came crying to me and instantly I was red with anger.
I walked up to Rachell and her friends to chew them a new one. When I got to them they all just stared at me. And one of the girls, Courtney, leaned into my face and peered at a pimple on my forehead.She started to laugh and made a big commotion about how gross it was and soon several other fifth graders were joining in on the laugh. Nothing so small had ever made me cry before, but I could not control the tears that came streaming down my face. When recess ended instead of going back to class I went home. Lena wouldn't be there anyway so I could watch TV.
School got so bad for all of us kids, I would get up an hour early and set the alarm clock back by two hours. Most mornings Lena didn't even want to try and get us up after sleeping in three or four hours late. She wasn't the mother after all, I was. Whenever there was a problem with one of the kids I was called to the office. When we first moved to Locust St, Logan was barely starting first grade. We took him to class and it wasn't Lena but me he cried for. He held on to me so tight not wanting me to leave. I told his teacher where she could find me if she needed me. It was so heart breaking to walk away listening to him crying my name.
Once I was called to the office and in my stomach I had a feeling it was about Killkenny. Sure enough when I arrived to the office the secretary told me that he had ditched school after morning recess. I left school and went looking for him. I found him and Maurice hiding on top of the house. I couldn't figure out why they were hiding up there but soon the sound of fire engines told it all. They had broken into a man's shop while he was on vacation and started playing with a lighter and some WD40. A flame burst out of control and set to fire the shop. Killkenny had to bust a window (cutting his hands) to free him and Maurice. They ran home and hid on top of the roof waiting for everything to blow over. The poor man came home from is vacation to a burned house and shop.
This type of behavior became worse as Lena became less of a mother. The boys were ditching school more and more and I was having to find work every where. Our food stamps were being used to buy our older brothers junk food so they could "babysit" us children. It was I that did the sitting. I would make everyone dinner with what we had. Because Lena used the stamps on junk food I had to create meals. I invented the Dorito Burrito . This was beef and Dorito chips rolled into a cooked tortilla. I had no concept of what was healthy for kids. Looking back now, I find I beat myself up for being a bad "mother". I was only ten, I wish today that then winning a game of hop scotch was my only worry.
~
Our school was participating in one of those money drives where you take home a catalog and try to sell as much candy or nicnaks you can to earn points for your school. I never participated in those because I just wasn't a child anyone would look at and say, "How cute! Oh I just have to buy from her!".
One of the girls in my grade had up to $750.00 worth of money in an envelope to turn in the final day. In elementary school we would switch teachers for different subjects and I would sit in this young ladies desk for science. After science ended we went back to our original classrooms. Not soon after we had switched back my science teacher came in and started whispering to my regular teacher. She looked at me and motioned for me to come up front. All three of us went out into the hallway and for some reason my heart fell right past my stomach to my toes. Again this is a scene better left to dialogue.
"LeAndra, Ashely had an envelope of money and checks in her desk before you came into my classroom and after you left it was gone. Do you have any idea what could have happened to it?" She looked at me as if she already knew I had the money.
"No, I don't know. I didn't even know there was any there." I could feel my body shaking. Why was I shaking so much? I wasn't guilty. This was a response I had learned from living with John Sr. All his mind games where about me feeling guilty and bad even when I wasn't at fault.
"I think you're lying LeAndra, both of us, meaning your teacher and I, feel that you have that money." I could tell by the conviction in her voice and in her eyes that my teacher agreed. I thought this over in my head. Ashely was a clean girl. Her hair was always nicely up in a tight ponytail. She had the best clothes and her smile screamed angel! I was a dingy, scrawny girl with greasy hair who had years of hardship etched into my face making my smile crooked and dull. How could they believe me?
"I didn't take the money, I swear it!" Tears were streaming down my face as my hands shook fiercely. The look the teachers gave me made me cry even harder. I just wanted to yell, "I'M NOT A BAD GIRL! I'M NOT A BAD GIRL!" But I knew that wouldn't get me anywhere. My teacher told me to go back to my desk.
I walked in and every eye was on me. A few if Ashley's friends saw my tears and sneered at me. We had to switch classes one more time for math. Again I sat in Ashely's desk and peered in it to see if maybe she just over looked the envelope but it was not there. I looked around the room eying any possible suspects. Two boys ,who were good friends with Ashley, stared at me, their looks sending chills down my spine.
After math Ashley's teacher came into our class room and announced Ashley's envelope had been returned. Looking at me she handed my teacher a note. When I received the note it stated that I needed to stay after school. I tried to explain to my two teachers that I never took the cash and I never put it back. I even explained how I looked in her desk to see if it got pushed to the back. My testimony was all lies as far as these two women were concerned. They let me off the hook because I "had returned the money". Leaving the school building I wanted so badly to run, run as fast, far and hard as I could until my feet gave out.
As soon as I left the boundaries of the school yard and onto the sidewalk Ashley, her two friends, and two boy friends rode their bikes slowly behind me. They would speed up every now and then to ram my legs with their tires. I tried running but the two boys would ride faster and get in front of me. I finally stopped and told Ashely I wasn't the one who took her money. I wouldn't cry. I was tougher than that. Ashely looked me dead in the eye and said. "I know dirty slut I did. I took it with me to your class and put it back after math." I wished I had had the courage to run back to school and tell my teacher!
The kids closed in on me ramming me with their bikes, calling me names and hitting me. When my house was within eyesight I ran as hard and fast as I could. Once I got inside the fence and into the privacy of my room I cried so hard I began to have trouble breathing. I couldn't take anymore!
Lena came home and knocked on my door. I thought she was coming in to ask what was wrong but instead she had a tall gangling man standing next to her. "LeAndra sweet heart, Chuck needs your girls' room. He's going to be living with us for awhile." The way Chuck looked at me with evil lust in his eyes made me lash out. I started to scream and cry even harder telling my mother that there was no way in hell he was getting our room. However that night, I found myself sleeping on the floor in the boys bedroom with no blanket or pillow, while Chuck used mine.
As I write this I am shocked at the tears streaming down my face. How can children be so cruel! How can a mother be so selfish and black hearted? My baby girl is asleep on my lap and my tears are hitting her head. Those tears aren't just for me but for the thousands of children around the world and in our very own country who are hurting like I once did. The burning in my heart tells me that my daughter will never have that problem. As God as my witness I will be the mother I never had.
~
That same night my tears and heartache were prayer enough to Heavenly Father. I felt a warm sensation seem to hug me and pull me close until I fell asleep. As I drifted off a distinct feeling came to me that change, GOOD change was about to happen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)