Good Girl

Everything about living with John and his wife was horrible. They were very open about their intimate life and were always drinking and doing their drugs in front of us.  I can't get over how repulsing and immature their behavior was.  John was convinced that I was there to spy on him for Lena. His stepdaughter had invited me to "hang" with her in her room.  I had never been her room before and was amazed at how beautifully decorated it was. She had a gorgeous four poster queen size bed. Lush navy blue bed set with starts and moons, a design that carried onto her walls and ceiling. I couldn't quit looking around her room. She had everything any girl could have wanted.

Apparently Meghan thought I was "spying" and trying to find things to report back to Lena. She had told her mom and John Sr about this and they brought me into their room for a  private conversation. They asked me if Lena sent me to them to spy and tell her what went on in their house. I was really confused, because I was under the impression that John wanted me there. I later found out that Lena told the court she didn't want me. So John had no choice but to take custody of me.

I tried really hard to convince him that I wasn't and that I had no say in the matter. However they were not convinced and my punishment was to have my heat taken away.  I couldn't have heat in my room until I confessed. In the middle of winter, in Sun Valley, Idaho, is not a time one wants her heat turned off. One night I was so cold I couldn't fall asleep I was shivering so much that my whole body ached. I got up out of bed and turned my heat on just a little bit and lay on the floor next the heater.

I fell fast asleep but was shortly awaken by a dreadful shaking sensation.  I had welcomed the heat so much that I seemed to pass into another world in my sleep. For when I woke my heat was off , my clothes were off and my blankets off my bed and in their place was a t-shirt. I pulled it on and curled up in a baby ball on my bed, so cold it seemed my brain was too frozen to register what had taken place.

Now, as I am writing this, there is a storm raging outside my bedroom window, and I am sure it's freezing outside...I am overcome with gratitude for the heat keeping me warm.

~

John and his wife soon found a home in Carey, just an hour outside of Sun Valley, they hoped to buy. Carey was a very small town. K-12 all attended school in the same building only separated by a door.  Out of all the schools I attended there was something different about the students and teachers in Carey. The teachers were so nice and the students all accepted me.  I quickly made several friends (something that had never happened for me in previous schools).  I was in the fourth grade and my teacher Mrs. Cloud,  was the sweetest woman on earth. I adored her! Her name wasn't actually Mrs. Cloud. She was a bigger woman whose body shape resembled a cloud , at least to my ten year old mind.

I'd look forward to attending class every day because of her kindness.  There were several times I just wanted to curl up on her lap and have her hold me as I cried.  Those were the times John and Bridget were their worst towards me.  I had two "boy friends" in the fourth grade. They were twins, I believe their names were the Park brothers or something.  I sat between both of them in class and they had the hugest crush on me and I them. I learned that they couldn't date until they were sixteen so we made a pact that when we all turned sixteen we would date.  I remember thinking that was a really strange rule. I was ten and my father was already telling me if I ever wanted to have sex that I needed to talk to him first and use a condom.

I envied the lives of all my class mates. It seemed to me that they had the ideal life. They were all well mannered and seemed to glow everyday. I also quickly learned that they didn't swear, not even as much as the word "crap".  This was discovered one day at lunch time.  I didn't have a lunch packed and I was too embarrassed to go to the lunch room to ask for one. When it came time to eat with my friends, I sat down and said "Crap! I forgot my lunch!". A few of the girls gasped! However my friend Bonnie put her arm around me and said to the girls "It's okay, she doesn't know." She then explained to me how they didn't swear or use the Lord's name in vain (I had done that on occasion also). I respected these girls and from then on out I quit swearing, not even at home where it was permitted.

Although my school life was going great, my home life worsened as the season changed from fall to winter.   John and Lena were fighting more and more over us children and they were constantly shooting arrows at each other.  Lena would go to the judge and claim that John was abusing us and making us do drugs. John would call the judge and claim Lena was doing drugs and was using her rent money to pay for it. I was sick of the constant battling and no winning side. This wasn't helping my case either, as you may recall  John Sr, thought I was there under cover for Lena, divulging all his secrets and imperfections.

I walked in the house after school one day and there was a fire in John's eyes when I came through the door. He was mad about something and I knew his anger was directed towards me.  His wife had made oatmeal for breakfast that day and I have never like oatmeal, and so I didn't eat it. I chose to get the free breakfast they gave out at school.  apparently Bridget was "offended" I did not eat her meal. However, I knew that she could care less whether or not I ate it, she just loved John to get angry at me. He grabbed my arm and dragged me into the kitchen were the bowl of oatmeal was still sitting.  It was made at 7:00 am and it was now 4:00pm. It had been sitting out for nine hours and the milk that was inside of the bowl, was consumed by the meal and sour.

Bridget came out and she started the "conversation" (as were all our ordeals called). ( I do have to say, that, that morning I had told Bridget I liked the oatmeal, because I was deathly afraid of being smacked if I told her I didn't like it.) She stood her ground next to John matching his height. They reminded me of the Twin Towers, very intimidating, however  John and Bridget lacked the beauty and sophistication the towers once had. I feel to describe this scene best I need to divert to dialog for a moment.

"LeAndra, why didn't you eat your oatmeal this morning? Didn't you like it?" Bridget's tone sounded sweet and inquisitive but her face unveiled the lie her voice portrayed.
"I do like it." was all I could think of to say. I hated this mind game that was too often played, my tears and punishment the only objective .
"LeAndra, Bridget got up early this morning and made this meal. You're saying that you like it but you didn't take a damn bite. You just left it." John had his arm around Bridget now, a sad sign. A sign that it was all about her and nothing I said even mattered anymore, I was in for it.
"She lies all the time John, I"m sick of her lies and her shit." John's wife wasted no time moving on to picking on me.
"I"m not a liar you are!" I was surprised at the intensity in my voice. I realized right after I had yelled that it was a mistake. Before I could bat an eye John's hand came flying across my cheek bone and eye. Instantly tears filled my eyes, but I willed them not to fall.  I knew if they fell, John Sr would come back with another slap, in order to "give me something to cry about".
"No you are the liar LeAndra! Your'e just like Lena! You're a lying conniving little bitch!" His words seemed to sting more than the blows to my face. They were blows to my heart, spirit and self worth.  Those last six words quickly became his favorite and my downfall. What he did next was a mind game that hurt me so much I can't even begin to imagine why anyone would do such a thing to a child.

"You are. You know that?" He stared at me for a minute and I couldn't figure out whether or not he wanted an answer. He put his hands on his hips and said, "well?".
I lowered my eyes and barely whispered a meek "no".
"What?" His voice was sharp and merciless.
"Yes, I'm a liar." I could feel my heart race as if it were trying to escape the hurt it was about to face.
"What kind of liar? And don't give me no smart answers you little bitch." He was really warming up now.
"I'm a lying conniving little bitch." I couldn't hold them back anymore and the tears fell into my hands. Their warmth seemed to hold them as if saying I would be okay.

"Yes you are. When you were three years old, you went to your mom and told her "daddy made me lick my his peepee. Why did you lie about that? Why did you tell your mom that I touched you and hurt you?" My mind raced a million miles a minute. What was he doing?! He knows he did those things! He knows he hurt me until I cried! Why was he doing this to me! I was his daughter. I quickly realized how exhausted I was emotionally and was tired of his game.

"I didn't tell mom that." I said, looking down at the floor.
"She's lying John, I can tell." This was the first Bridget had said this whole time. She always came in right on cue and said the right things to get John going.
"Are you going to tell the truth?" He asked me stepping even closer to my face.
"I did tell the truth." Another hard slap to the face, this time causing my lip to bleed. I didn't want to give in to this one. I knew what had done to me, and I wasn't going to redact it just for his satisfaction.
"You will sit here and eat this whole bowl of oatmeal while I watch. If you try and make yourself sick in any way, or skip out on the last bite I'll bring out my belt and whip you." Bridget handed me a huge serving spoon and told me to "Enjoy".

And so I ate the whole bowl. It took me two hours, and John stayed true to his word. Anytime I so much as gagged he'd flick my ear from behind reminding me that he was there. I had to wait a half an hour after wards before I could go do anything, just in case I would attempt to throw it up. Trust me, I did not need to do any forcing it came up on it's own.

When I went to go to bed that night John stopped me at the stairs and handed me a pillow and throw blanket. I knew exactly where I was headed. Off of the dinning room there was a huge empty cement room. John called it the potato room. I called it the dungeon.  I spent many nights there and it was  in those walls my imagination really came to life. I would talk to myself and think up stories and after I was allowed back into my room, I'd write them down. That night though John assured me that I would no longer be going back to my room that the "dungeon" was my new room...for good. It was December and the room was freezing! I had never felt such cold in my life. I tried to escape into my own mind but the images of our earlier "conversation", kept my awake and shivering with anger and sorrow.

After two weeks had passed John and Bridget had "put up with enough crap" from my little brother Killkenny and me and were sending us home to Lena. Now, my brother John Jr had been sent back to Lena awhile back, but that was so he could "spy on Lena, like she was having me spy on John Sr".  The plan was for Lena to come and pick us up after school just before Christmas break. I looked forward to that moment everyday.

On the day we were to leave, Bridget took me into school and brought me into class. Holding me by the wrist she told all my classmates and teacher that I was a lying selfish girl. She said I was a slut and a bitch and that I never told the truth and I came home and told her how much I hated my friends and teachers and that I called them all bad names.  I was not expecting this and instantly I froze.  All this was a lie and I could tell my teacher knew. Bridget leaned down just before she left and whispered into my ear, "Now you know how it feels brat." And pinched my under arm so hard it drew blood.  I didn't know what to do.

At recess my teacher came over to me and gave me the biggest hug and took me out to the front desk. There stood a few other of my teachers and the principle. She talked to them for a brief moment, and when they all looked at me there was a compassion and a sorrow in their eyes. And then my friends all came in and took me out to play.  I soon forgot about what had happened and was caught of in the best school day I ever had.

When the day came to a close Killkenny and I were summoned to the front desk. Lena had just called and was five minutes away. They handed Killkenny a shinny Christmas package which he opened with delight. It was a nerf football. They handed me two gifts. One was for Christmas and inside was a scarf and gloves. The second gift was for my birthday and they told me not to open it until I was on the road. After Lena had came and picked us up and after we had finished conversing I opened my gift. Inside it was a purse filled with treats and jewelry. The most important part though was a card. It stated that I was a beautiful daughter of God and he loves me dearly. I had a sweet spirit that was honest and true. It expressed how much they'd all miss me and what a joy I was to have in their school. It ended with a simple "You're a good girl LeAndra."

For the first time in years I truly felt real love.  The warmth inside of me was more than I could handle and I found myself crying as I realized I was driving further and further away from people who loved me. I held onto one thing though, the one thing that would get me through the trials yet to come my way. After being molested, delivering drugs for Lena, or being picked on by other children I'd whisper five simple words to myself.

"You're a good girl LeAndra. You're a good girl"