CHAPTER 2

Fourteen years have passed since that sweet day and I am now a wife and mother. As I sit on my hand-me-down- love seat, watching my dear Abigail sleep, I realize what it means to be a child. To be a child means innocence and complete dependence on mom and dad.

Twenty years ago I was her; a fragile beautiful being, whose very survival laid in the hands of my creators. I don't remember my infancy, but judging by Child Protection Services reports, I spent more time in a crib rather than in the arms of my mother or father. I could say that I have no idea how I survived through my infancy and childhood but that would be false. I had a Mother and Father in heaven protecting me and sending their angels to love and watch over me.

However, there is so much guardian angels can do when people have their own free agency. That day in the snow was a magical day, filled with a glimmer of hope that life was always going to be pure and joyful. I am certain Heavenly Father orchestrated that cold winter day, letting the warmth of his angels kiss our souls.

That fierce cool day was the last warm winter we'd have for years to come.

I was seven that year after the snow finally melted and blue birds came to cheer on spring (it seemed their very tunes made the roses bloom). After Christmas came and went John Sr. and Lena began to pull even further apart. The drank more, smoked more and seemed to be fighting more. On nights when they'd rage war against each other, I'd imagine I was flying away on the back of a sparrow just as Thumbelina. Sadly, I also knew that things like that only happened in movies and would never happen. Oh! How I wished I had the innocence I was born with; completely oblivious to the horrors unfolding daily in my life. Even though I was seven and barely tall enough to reach the cupboards, I felt and acted twenty-two and 5'8". For some reason my parents never seemed taller than me, maybe it was because they acted just like children.

I recall a day when I thought my world was coming to a swift end. Lena was gone all morning and part of the afternoon. So it was just us kids and John Sr. I hated being alone with him, for fear of being hurt again, as I was four years earlier. So I spent the day hiding behind the love seat, which was situated next to the door and in front of a huge window. While Lena was gone a loud brisk knock came to the door. John Sr. reluctantly raised from the TV show he was watching to answer the door.

Standing on our porch was a police officer and Gary, the local grocery mart owner (I knew him well from many trips to buy food for my stoned parents who had a severe case of the munchies).

The officer asked if he could see Lena and John informed him that she was not home and did not know when she would be back. Gary, proceeded to tell John how Lena stole a whole carton of cigarettes and even when he confronted her, she lied and left before police could arrive. The officer instructed John Sr. to call as soon as Lena came home.

Late that afternoon Lena came through the door and the kids were sent to their rooms by John (a family tradition that took place whenever a fight was about to break out). I missed the command to leave the room because I had fallen asleep behind my safe place. I woke up to John Sr yelling at Lena, calling her so many awful names. I knew, by the slur of his speech, he was drunk and belligerent. I couldn't understand how people in "love" could treat each other that way. On the other hand, I could not understand how a loving father would molest his three-year-old daughter. Nor, how her mother chose to keep him and leave the little girl to protect herself.

As I listened to them fight I remembered thinking that I NEVER wanted to fall in love.

The more they fought the more salty water trickled down my cheeks and my body shook with silent sobs. John Sr. shouted at Lena telling her was a horrible mother and set "unchristian" examples for her children ( I guess drinking, using drugs and abuse was good parenting....but Lord! save the person who stole cigarettes!). Lena shot back at him and said that he could "raise the damn kids then!". Lena stormed out of the house and John went to his room to smoke pot and get even more wasted.

I jumped up and ran out the door for my mother but she had gone. I went back in and yelling and hitting the window pleaded for her to come back! Even though she ignored me most of the time and and abandoned me when I needed her most, I loved her and wanted her there. I didn't want her to leave me alone with John Sr. I thought about running away, but who would protect the other children from John?

I switched to the couch where I cried myself to sleep. I woke up hours later looking at the black night and moon shedding light on me through the big window. I felt something stir within me that night...change was on it's way.